True Spiritual Growth, in Wind or Calm

With my youngest now in school I have regained my times of quiet and solitude.  I have relief from the constant barrage of requests.  I have been able to refocus my days in prayer and reading, in seeking God.  He is growing me and I am loving it. (See the blog post I wrote about this growth: Walking With God.)  But I just came across this statement that slapped me silly in John Ortberg's The Life You've Always Wanted:

"She had never been taught to see that caring for two young children, offered daily with expressions of gratitude and prayers for help and patient acceptance of trials, might become a kind of school for transformation into powerful servanthood beyond anything she had ever known."

This slapped me silly because it gave me a new lens to see the past seven years.  It slapped me silly because, with that new lens, I was able to see how, as hard as they were for me, those years were extremely transforming.  I am not the same person now that I was when my first child was born.  This begs the question: if those years were hard for me, if finding time to read God's word and concentrate on prayer was next to impossible, if I didn't feel God's wind beneath my wings for spiritual growth, how did such extreme transformation take place?  The answer is in the question: I didn't understand true spiritual growth.


True Spiritual Growth
John Ortberg defines spiritual growth as growing in love for God and in love for others.  That's it.  If we are growing in love for God and others, we are growing spiritually.  With that being said, it is the end that matters, not the means; it is the heart that matters, and not the actions.  A person can do one action and get two completely different heart results.

For example, I have read my bible in a way that grew me in love for God and others.  I also have read my bible in a way that allowed me to check a box on the "good Christian to-do list," growing me only in love for my self and my accomplishment.  Again, I have provided a meal for friends-in-need in a way that grew me in love for God and others.  I also have provided a meal for friends-in-need in a way that caused me to yell at my children for getting in the way of my good deed.  One action, two different heart results: one is spiritual growth; the other is toxic.  True spiritual growth, however it happens, causes us to grow in love for God and in love for others.


The Cause of Spiritual Growth
The honest truth about spiritual growth is that it is God's business, not ours.  It's not that we don't play any part in it, but the growth itself comes from God, not our effort.  John Ortberg gives the analogy of driving a sailboat.  It is God's job to provide the wind; it is ours to maneuver the sails to make the most of the wind when it blows.

Interestingly with this analogy, in my experience God grows us both with the wind and the calm.  The wind is what I am in now: a time of intense and joyful growth; where His presence is so close; I feel His spirit nudge me often; and I am lifted up by the fun, almost tangible feeling of His walking alongside me.  But the calm is what I have just emerged from: a time when He took His wind away for a while; a time of not being able to feel His presence regularly or feel His spirit nudge me often; a time of distraction with the cares of this world, the busyness of raising babies; a time when I felt much more like I was floundering than soaring.  And yet, looking back, I realize that God grew me immeasurably during the calm, as He is during the wind.  The calm was not as fun, but it was still growth, the growth of learning to trust in Him, to wait on Him, to believe that He loves me, to believe that He will one day bring back the wind.


True Spiritual Training
As the mother in the quote above, I had wrongly assumed that my spiritual growth was tied solely to bible reading and prayer.  I judged my spiritual growth based on whether I was reading my bible often and, more importantly, with quality and depth.  I judged my spiritual growth based on whether I was able to spend quality time with my hands folded and my head bowed.  Was I listening to God?  Was I hearing from Him?  Usually, the answer was, "not enough."

What I had failed to see was how God used that time of calm to train me in so many other areas.   While bible reading and prayer can be wonderful disciplines for spiritual growth, there are many more in which God was training me, without my even realizing it:

• Humility.  I am not, by nature, a backseat sort of person.  I like the spotlight.  I chose teaching as a profession partly because it allowed me to be center-stage every day.  I enjoyed the recognition of my peers when I created a spectacularly creative lesson plan.  I loved reaching my students through my wit and humor.  In contrast, every single day of stay-at-home motherhood was a training in humility.  It was not about me.  I received no admiration for my skills, no applause or accolades.  I felt trapped by insignificant, mundane, repetitious tasks.  Countless times I questioned whether staying home with my kids was really what I wanted to do.  And yet, every day I chose again that there is nothing greater to which I can give my life than raising my children.  Time and time again I chose them over myself.  God used each choice to train me to put others first.  Humility.
• Servanthood.  When I worked full-time, household chores were tasks that were in the way of real life.  I did them as quickly as I could so that I could get on with the important stuff.  You should see the way I clean my house now.  At home alone, with my sweet music playing, my cleaning has become a task of serving, an expression of gratitude to God and of love for my family.  Mondays are my cleaning days and it is ridiculous how much I enjoy them.  It's ridiculous how much I enjoy the insignificant, mundane, repetitious tasks of laundry, dishes, and cleaning.  God has spent the last seven years training me to serve my family in love and to use those acts as expressions of gratitude for all that God has given me.  He has transformed my heart and helped me to do small things for Him and for others.  Servanthood.
• Stewardship.  When Isaac was a baby and we had two toddler boys come over to play, I was horrified at how destructive they were, little tornadoes in my well-ordered home.  These days, toddler boys are still little tornadoes.  What has changed is me.  Through all the phases of motherhood, God has been training me to release, little by little, my white-knuckled ownership of my stuff.  This house is His.  The stuff is His.  If He leads me to invite fifteen little tornadoes into my (well, His) well-ordered home, who am I to stand in the way?  Each time I make space and grace for others, it is yet another opportunity to give what I have, and to serve with the "stuff" and the time God has given me.  It's all His anyway; I just get to use it for a while.  Stewardship.

The Result

Those seven years of training in humility, servanthood, and stewardship all grew me in love for God and in love for others.  I am a work in progress, and am perfect in none of these areas, but, wow have I grown, not to my glory, but to the glory of God in me!  And those three areas are not the only ones where God has been training me.  There are more: thankfulness, joy, patience, dependence.  He has done so much in those seven years of calm to grow me in love for Him and for others.  

This realization gives me so much joy.  I know stay-at-home motherhood is not hard for everyone, but I also know there are mothers like me, for whom it is a daily challenge as well as a daily joy.  I want to share with them my retrospect that, though bible reading and prayer is so hard to do with either quality or quantity during those years, God is still at work.  If you are in a time of calm, when the Spirit of God is not blowing through, raising your sails with tangible growth, hold on to the truth that God is still at work.  Every day that the calm remains, remind yourself that He is at work in you, whether you feel it or not.  Train yourself to apply Colossians 3:17 to every task of motherhood: "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."  A heart that learns to do that is the kind of heart God can grow in love for Him and in love for others: true spiritual growth.

Peter and Me: Holy Screwups

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us."  -2 Corinthians 4:7

I'm really thankful for Peter.  Sometimes I have awesome moments where I am able to be that earthen vessel, plain and available, emptied of self, so that God's wisdom and grace can shine through me.  And sometimes I am a holy screwup.  I say that lovingly because I am holy, set apart by grace, even in my biggest screwup moments.   But that is why I'm thankful for Peter.  Peter was a holy screwup too.

• Just like me, Peter lacked faith to follow Christ boldly.  He chose to fear the wind and water, rather than trust in the Power of Christ.  (Matthew 14:25-32).
• Just like me, Peter put his foot in his mouth.  He rebuked Jesus for his plan to die on a cross! And He got scolded for it.  Ouch.  (Matthew 16:20-23).
• Just like me, Peter speaks even when he doesn't know what to say.  When Christ is transfigured and glorified in front of Peter, with Moses and Elijah talking to him on the mountaintop, Peter speaks out of turn, offering to build three tabernacles.  While Peter is still speaking, God's voice interrupts him, saying, "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.  Hear Him!"  Basically, God is saying, "Shut up Peter.  It's Jesus who needs to speak right now."  How many times that happens to me! (Matthew 17:1-5).
• Just like me, Peter didn't fully understand Christ's plan.  He cut off the servant's ear when they came to capture Jesus.  (John 18:10-11).
• Just like me, Peter chose self-protection over faithfulness to Christ.  He denied three times that he was a follower of Christ.  (Mark 14:66-72).
• Just like me, Peter acted on rash impulses.  He jumps out of the boat in a frenzy to get to Jesus, while the other disciples calmly row the boat the short way to shore.  Why the rush Peter?  You may have gotten there a few minutes faster, but now you're wet.  Ah me, Peter, why are we so rash? (John 21:7-8).
• Just like me, Peter grieved his mistakes. He grieved when Christ asked three times if Peter loved him, in an echo of the three denials Peter had earlier made of loving Christ. (John 21:15-17).
• Just like me, Peter had to be corrected, sometimes publicly. He was being a hypocrite by eating with the Gentiles only when important Jews weren't around.  Worse than that, as a leader, Peter was influencing others to do the same.  Paul called him out "face to face."  Again, ouch.  (Galatians 2:11-21).  

But, just like me, Peter, holy screwup that he is, can still be used by God!  Christ tells Peter he will be the foundation of His church and hold the keys of the kingdom (Matthew 16:15-19).  Peter's first act after receiving the Holy Spirit was that he preached a message that brought 3,000 new souls into the kingdom (Acts 2:14-41).  Peter had an amazing ministry of healing, teaching, and leading.  He wrote some of the Bible itself.  He was the founding father of the church, the followers of Christ.

Now that's a holy screwup!  I'm in good company.  I may not be the rock on which the church is going to be built, I may not lead 3,000 souls to Christ, but I am certain God has a plan to use me for his kingdom.  Use me, God!  Help me be faithful, available, and teachable, and to let You do the rest.  Help me be the earthen vessel, or as my aunt says, the cracked pot, and let Your glory shine.

Walking With God

How many of us can honestly say, "For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain" (Phillippians 1:21)?  I get the "to die is gain part," especially when life is hard and I just want to be glorified and endlessly joyful with Christ in heaven forever and ever, amen!  But as for "to live is Christ," I feel like, all to often, a truer statement would be, "For to me, to live is activity in some way connected with Christ, and to die is gain." 

With my youngest child now in kindergarten, I felt God calling me to strengthen my relationship with Him rather than just busy myself with activity.  So, I have said "no" to many activities and sought Him these past two months.  And wow, has He opened my eyes to a different kind of living.  Some of the believers I most admire have told me about their own spiritual life.  They claim to enjoy their time spent with the Lord, in His word and in prayer and worship, so much that they don't want to break away to accomplish the activities of the day.  

  

This is amazing to me, as I find it hard to pray for more than five minutes, and reading God's word can easily become another activity required simply for bible study group discussion, another check off the to-do list.  I do those things and base major life decisions on what I know is God's plan for my life, but am I truly investing in my relationship with God?  This reminds me of Noah, a  story I just finished reading to my children.  The bible explains that Noah "found grace in the eyes of the Lord" because "Noah walked with God" (Genesis 6:9).  When I reduce bible reading to a check list, and prayer to a few moments of muttered requests (with a "thanks" sprinkled in here and there), am I truly walking with God?  I don't think I can make that claim.  I think it may be more true to say about me that I walk, with God somewhere in the vicinity.  God and I have moments of "with-ness" but too often I walk on my own, leaving God in the background until I remember how much I need Him.  

But God has used these past two months of setting aside activity to show me what that kind of "walking with God" relationship can look like.  I have learned a few things about myself and how I can walk with God daily:

• ABOUT READING.  I need to schedule time (outside of my quick morning reading of the word) to read.  This is key to my spiritual growth.  In between loads of laundry, as I eat breakfast, laying for half and hour on my bed, before I pick up the kids from the bus stop, I read.  I read the bible, I read books on faith and spiritual growth, and I read theology and studies.  I have about four books going at any one time, at least one of them being a book of the bible.  God has taught me that the reading itself can be a form of prayer.  While I read, my mind is conversing with God.  I am consciously seeking His wisdom to discern what I read and He is constantly giving me Holy Spirit nudges of how what I'm reading applies to something in my life.  That's relationship.  That's prayer, sister!
• ABOUT PRAYER.  Prayer does not have to look like what I always thought: sitting in one place, hands folded, head bowed.  As I said above, seeking God through reading is conversation with Him.  It is prayer.  So is writing.  Not everyone is a writer, but for me, when I write, it is another opportunity for me to seek God, to talk to Him in prayer as I write.  I write personal journals of my own spiritual growth so that I can further process what God is teaching me, and as a memorial of His redeeming work in my life.  I share my writing with others.  I write letters and emails of prayer and encouragement for others.  When I get an email or text message asking for prayer, I have moved from just saying, "I'm praying for you," to replying with an actual written-out prayer.  When I go on my daily walks and runs, the reading and writing I do gets turned over and over in my head and the conversation with God continues in the quiet of the morning sun.  In a sense, almost everything I do now is prayer, although I'm not spending any more time than I used to in the position of hands folded, head down.
• ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.  God has been teaching me the importance of continuing in prayer as I talk with others.  We all have people in our lives who look to us for guidance, who come to us for advice.  I am learning that I need to be in prayer when I am listening to someone tell me what is on their mind.  I am learning that if I don't prayerfully engage in the conversation, my answers and advice does not reflect God's heart in the situation.  I have learned to listen, ask questions, while praying, "God I don't know what to say to help this person, so I'm just going to listen and love and support them unless You provide some wisdom that I can offer them."  He has been very faithful in helping my mind connect His word and His wisdom to the situation, but I have to ask and wait (James 1:5).  
• ABOUT MUSIC.  Now that my kids are in school and the house is quiet, I have reconnected with my love for music.  And God has used even that to help me walk with Him.  I have a certain Pandora station that plays quiet and thoughtful Christian music, sometimes with words and sometimes without.  This station plays quite often throughout the day as I am at home, cleaning, reading, getting dressed.  God has used it as yet another way to teach me to be in constant prayer with Him.  Sometimes it is just in the background, enhancing the mood of contemplation and connection with God.  Sometimes a song comes on that reinforces exactly what I have read and I am moved to tears at God's amazing grace and love for me.  Sometimes I am so moved that I stop any activity and just join in praise with the heavenly host. 

This is all new to me.  I feel like I am consistently walking with God now like never before in my life.  And I know God is not finished refining me yet.  There are still areas of my days that do not include that same connection with Him.  Once my kids get home from school and that peaceful time of searching stops, I still find it hard to keep close to God.  I get distracted and I feel like God has to teach me how I can walk with Him in times of quiet as well as in times of activity.  But I know I never want to stop the new depth of our relationship.  I only want it to grow.

Lord, continue to grow me.  Help me preserve and protect the new walk I have with You.  Help me to learn to walk with You that closely when I am interacting with my family as a mom and wife.  When I am ready, help me walk with You as I minister to others.  Help me to seek You first, daily.  Lord, I want it to be said of me, like Noah, "Megan walked with God."  Amen!

"Earth's crammed with Heaven,

And every common bush afire with God, 

But only he who sees takes off his shoes--

The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries."

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

(Check out the blog entry I wrote about God desiring relationship with us: Jesus Sighs).   

Believing God

Forgive me if you choose to read this and it sounds preachy.  I learn best by writing out my thoughts and I am excited about the latest wave of inspiration and learning I have gained through studying God's word.  I am going to attempt to put it in my own words here.


In studying the book of Galatians, my small group and I have been learning about how faith is so much more than just believing in God.  "You believe that there is one God.  You do well.  Even the demons believe--and tremble!" (James 2:19).  We took note in our study last week that Abraham was accounted a man of faith not because he believed in God, but because he believed God.  --"just as Abraham 'believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness.' Therefore know that only those who are of faith are sons of Abraham" (Galatians 3:6-7).


I've understood this concept for some time now, but this study has given me a way to put it in words: Saving faith is so much more than just believing in God.  We must believe God.  That means, like Abraham, we must know and believe the promises God gives us.  The scripture quoted in the Galatians passage above comes from Genesis 15:6 and refers to the promise God gave Abraham that his descendants would be as numerous as the stars in the sky.  God spoke this promise several times to Abraham, especially in reference to the promise to give Abraham's descendants the promised land forever (Genesis 12:7, 13:15, 24:7).  


But in Galatians (see Galatians 3:16-18), Paul explains that Abraham understood these promises as so much more than just many children and a land to dwell in.  Abraham understood that in the promise of innumerable descendants (literally seed), God was actually promising a fulfillment of His original promise of a messiah.  To better understand how Abraham could have gotten that message, I took a look way back at Genesis 3.  As God is explaining the curse Adam and Eve have incurred by their sin, He also promises that their Seed (a descendant) will one day destroy the serpent who deceived them.  He says to the serpent: "And I will put enmity between you and the woman, And between your seed and her Seed; He shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise His heel" (Genesis 3:15).  Way back at the fall of man, God explains that in the end, Jesus wins!  What's a bruise on the heel to a crushing blow on the head?!


Abraham heard God's promise to him and believed God.  He believed that God would fulfill His promise to bring salvation to His people.  And he believed this promised Seed would come from his descendants (which, check out the lineage of Christ in Matthew 1: He does!).  Basically, that means that before the law was given to God's people through Moses, four hundred and thirty years later according to Paul (Galatians 3:17), Abraham knew that it was not by following the law that anyone would be saved.  Abraham knew that it was not by sacrifices that he was truly made right with God (Hosea 6:6).  Abraham believed God.  He believed God's promise, and Paul explains that Abraham's salvation came only from belief in God's promise of a Savior who would do for him what his own law-abiding and sacrificing could not.  Before the Messiah actually came to save His people, Abraham believed that his salvation would come through Him alone.


Knowing this about Abraham helps answer one of those tricky questions of Christianity.  What about all the people who died before Christ?  How could they be saved if faith in Christ alone is what saves (John 3:16, 14:6)?  Just like Abraham, they could believe God.  They could believe that God's Messiah, promised way back in Genesis 3, before a single human died on this earth, would save them from their sins.  If only they believed.  The laws of Moses, as Paul explains in Galatians 3:17-26 (and Jesus explains in great detail in Matthew 5:18-48), were given by God to emphasize to us our inability to earn our own salvation.  Our salvation comes from believing God's promises.


This is a huge concept (as you can see how many scripture passages it takes for me to explain it!)  But the coolest thing has been to see the ladies in my group applying it.  To believe God defines the need to study God's word to know what His promises are.  The ladies in my group are digging in to God's word with hunger!  As we grow in our knowledge of God's word, we see the contrast between His promises and the lies on which we base some of our decisions.  Then, we chose to believe God and our decisions change.  We base our decisions and our life on the promises in God's word.  The experience of growing in God's word is powerful, as God is powerful to bring it about, and I pray that He will continue to transform us as we continue to discover and believe His promises.

Panic! Summer's Almost Over!

"It goes by too fast."  That's what I hear.  And I know it's true because I've seen it with my own eyes: younger cousins that I still think of as toddlers, who are now taller than me with goatees or, if they're female, bra sizes larger than mine.  I know it's true because I've seen it in my own kids.  I was in a hurry to get them out of their infancies and toddler years because those were trying times for me, but now that we've arrived at that destination, I'm thinking, "Alright, slow down already!"

It goes by too fast.  And that's why, at the beginning of summer, I determined to make the most of our uninterrupted time together.  I pondered over what I wanted them to get out of this summer, what lessons were the most valuable for them to learn, what skills and experiences I wanted them to have by the time school started in the fall.

I filled our days with swim lessons and family visits, space camp, piano lessons, workouts/playtime at the YMCA, and sometimes just plain ole nothing to do.  I really do think having nothing to do is a very important thing to have, especially for young imaginations.  It was all great.  Really fun.  Relaxing.  Enjoyable.

But when summer quickly began wrapping up, I started to panic.  I looked back over our summer and wondered what I did with it all.  How could I account for all those days and hours we spent together?  Were they well used?  And what about the things we didn't do or didn't do enough of?

After a day at the beach last week, I felt relieved that we finally did something summer-ish, something that would count for a "What did you do this summer?" essay.  Feeling (insanely) inspired to continue that trend to the fullest, I pulled out my calendar and visually filled up the remaining week-and-a-half with things I felt we must do before summer is over.  We didn't see our Mimi enough: two days for that.  We didn't go to the pool enough: two days for that.  A summer movie tomorrow, bike riding tonight, one more beach day. That ought to do it.

I felt a bit better once I had it all jotted down.  We would spend the last two weeks of summer in a frenzy of activity, but we would succeed in the category of "summer fun" or at least I would bust my buns trying!

I have enjoyed the last two weeks of summer, packed to the max with outings.  But the contrast between these two weeks and the slower, easier, early majority of our summertime has prompted reflection.  I also enjoyed the slower days where Isaac played video games galore and we filled our time with sleeping in, the YMCA, Lego-Barbie (them), and nap time (me).   Both my kids have a basic understanding of the piano and are interested in learning more.  That's something they learned because of me.  I planned it and brought it to fruition.  Win.  I also planned that we would start learning some Tagalog (language of the Philippines) phrases together.  I bought a book and some flashcards.  We studied them two days and then never picked it up again.  Fail.

But, they also learned things I did not plan.  Abby now knows how to swim without a float.  Isaac can ride a bike without training wheels.  They are both taller and smarter than they were two-and-a-half months ago and it has nothing to do with me.  I can't schedule it or plan it.  I thank God that my children learn and grow in spite of me.  Anything I add to it with success is sprinkles on the cake of God's genius design for growing children.

"A man’s heart plans his way, 
      But the LORD directs his steps."
Proverbs 16:9


That takes a lot of burden off my shoulders.  No need to panic.  Relax and enjoy the time, peaceful and slow or action-packed as it may be.  


So, to record some of our last-minute summer fun, I'm including a follow up post to this one with some random pics of our last 2 weeks of summer.  Whew.

Jesus Sighs

Last week I started reading through the book of Mark.  At this point I've come to where Jesus is traveling around, healing people wherever He goes.  But this morning I came across a phrase that made me pause and think.  As Jesus was healing a man who was deaf and had a speech impediment, "He sighed" before speaking the words that healed (Mark 7:34).

That phrase made me ponder, why would Jesus sigh?  Was He frustrated, tired, stressed, bored, sad, lonely, wistful?  Those are all the reasons I can come up with why people usually sigh.  (And I love that Jesus is so human that He shares these emotions with us.)  This question made my mind go back to some verses I had read just moments earlier. In Mark 7:24 it describes Jesus going into a house and wanting not to be found.  I think He was sighing because He was exhausted.  

Jesus had been traveling from place to place and healing people in droves.  The past several chapters are filled with stories of various healings and allusions to healings so numerous that they are not individually accounted for.  In chapter 6, He even sends out His disciples in pairs so they can accomplish even more healing and preaching in His name.  But when the disciples came back to Him after all their work, He says, "Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while" (6:31).  Jesus recognizes their exhaustion from their work and offers them rest and solitude, peace and quiet, for a time of recovery.  And when Jesus, the human, equally exhausted (or probably more so), tries to hide away for some peace and quiet, He "could not be hidden" (7:24).  

Jesus was being swarmed and followed by people who came to Him for healing.  Jesus began His ministry, way back in chapter 1, with healing.  He used healing as a tool to demonstrate His power, to show compassion, and sometimes to call attention to Himself.  As silly as that may sound, I think Jesus used healing as a way to get people to notice Him and begin to question who He was and how He came by such power.  Jesus often choses to heal with touch.  I believe it's His way of compassionately connecting with those who seek Him.  But He demonstrated several times, most recently in chapter 7, verse 29, that all He has to do is speak a word and it is done, even when He is nowhere near the person being healed.  

So all of this line of thinking brought me to the ultimate question: if Jesus was sighing because He was tired, because He was being followed by all the needy people who wanted to be healed; if He was capable of healing everyone with only a word (after all, though He is human, He is also God); if He has already received the attention He needs as He pursues His purpose, WHY does He not just speak a word, heal everyone simultaneously, and be done with it?  He could, you know.

The only conclusion, is that healing is not ultimately what He came here to do.  Forgive me for my amazement at the obvious, but Jesus did not come here with the sole purpose of healing.  If He had, He wouldn't have sighed from exhaustion before healing the deaf man.  If He had, He would have just spoken and wiped out all sickness with one word.  And if He came to just to heal, wouldn't the ultimate manifestation of that be to defeat sickness to the point of defeating death?  He could just live among us and continue to wipe out disease with a word and we would never have to die.  But healing is not what He came for.  In fact, way back in Genesis, just after sin entered the world, God sent Adam (and Eve) out of the Garden of Eden, "lest he put out his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live forever."  This may come as a shock to us, but God does not want us to live forever!  At least, not the way we are right now.

Jesus came with the purpose of healing, not just our bodies, but also our souls.  He had a greater purpose than healing the sick.  And I wonder how many of those people that He healed missed it.  His ultimate purpose was our salvation (the point where we accept His death and resurrection as our sole means of getting right with God) and relationship with us (the point where, after salvation, we enter into that daily walk with Him and follow Him with our lives).  Many of us know that (yeah, yeah, yeah...heard it a million times).  But how many times, like those people who wore Jesus out seeking healing, do we miss it?

How often do we today seek God for healing, but not salvation or relationship?  We pray when we need something: we are sick or a loved one is dying.  We pray for physical healing as well as emotional healing and the healing of our fragmented lives: divorce, job loss, illness, stress.  We pray when we need healing.  I believe that to do so is good and right.  God wants to heal, wants us to come to Him (even in His exhaustion, Jesus didn't turn the deaf man away).  But to do only that causes us to miss out on His ultimate purpose, a purpose more important than our physical, emotional, mental, or financial well-being.  

When we're suffering, it's often hard for us to understand how God can allow it, how He can have any more ultimate purpose for us than our health and well-being.  And we should find it comforting that God does have plans to do away with death and suffering forever (Revelation 20:13-14 and 21:1-4).  But in the meantime, we would do best to remember that sigh of Jesus, and remember that His ultimate purpose for us is not for healing.  He wants us to come to Him for salvation.  And then He wants us to come to Him for relationship, daily, minute by minute, reading His word and talking with Him in prayer.  

He reminded me of this last week when He called me back into a daily time of reading His word.  I had meandered away from the daily habit and found myself stretched and unbalanced, turning to other means for comfort and strength.  But He gave me gentle reminders that He wanted to be my only source of comfort and strength.  And so I have begun again to read my bible in the mornings as I lay in bed and the summer sun shines through my windows.  It is a wonderful way to start my day.  Being in His word has refocused my days, re-centered me, and revitalized my prayer life.  How I need that daily time with Him!  His ultimate purpose is relationship.  He lets me know that with a sigh.

Teaser!

I'm so very thrilled to have finally started a new writing project.  This idea came to me around Christmastime and I have just started working on it this week.  It's a book for 5-10 year-old girls and the working title is...

God's Real Princesses: A Bible Storybook for the Real Princess in You

And, for a teaser...here's the introduction as of now (of course, we know that in writing, all things are subject to change until the day the book gets printed):

This is a book about princesses.  

Now it may surprise you to learn that these princesses do not speak to fluffy forest creatures.  Song birds do not routinely perch upon their dainty fingers.  Most of them do not even sing or wear pretty dresses.  And (this is really going to shock you), almost none of them end up marrying princes.  

With that description, you must be wondering how this book can even claim to be about princesses at all.  But we must remember that God’s ways are not the world’s ways.  This book is about women who loved God and chose Him above everything else.  And because they loved God, He made them His princesses, princesses even more real than all the gown-wearing, sweet-singing, prince-marrying princesses of this world.  

The book will have 8-10 Bible stories that focus on women who loved God.  Most of these are stories that I have not found in any of the kids' bible story books that we have owned.  The coolest part is that my friend Jennifer has agreed to illustrated it for me.   We plan to self-publish the same way I have before and sell it on amazon.com.  It feels SO good to be writing again!!!

And, to not have a post without a picture, here's Isaac showcasing his own creativity:

It's an alien.  I told him it looks like a praying mantis so he said it's a praying mantis alien.

_______Lovin' On My Girlfriends

It just so happens that Valentine's Day marks the anniversary of the playgroup I joined after I had Abby.  My local friends and I have been mothering together for two years!  Here's a tribute to the friends I have made in the playgroup, and of course, it also includes my other dear friends that I'm still in touch with from high school, college, and all the church groups I've been a part of.  Pretty much, the title says it all: it's an ode to all of my girlfriends.  Love my girls.

An Ode to My Girlfriends

All my best girlfriends

Work full-time, whether they’re employed or not.

They are nurses and teachers, students and stay-at-home moms,

Even dentists and pastors, psychologists, dancers, homeschoolers, exercise instructors…

And all of them work hard.

All my best girlfriends

Know the importance of eating right and working to keep their bodies fit and strong. 

They are educated and smart, making good choices.

But they also know the importance of sitting together with a friend, a tall glass of milk, and a stack of Oreo cookies.

All my best girlfriends

Talk about how their kids drive them crazy

Almost as much as they talk about how they adore their children.

They know that laughing is just as important as loving,

And they make no pretense to perfection.

All my best girlfriends

Have curly hair, straight hair, worn long or short,

They have freckles, and braces, and glasses, or not.

They are polished and glamorous, or natural and plain.

They are dark, light, tall, petite, thin, full-figured,

And beautiful, all.

All my best girlfriends

Love to make fun of their husbands

Almost as much as they love to love their husbands.

They know that laughing is just as important as loving,

And they are real, and deep, and sincere.

All my best girlfriends

Love manicures, mommy’s night outs, and margaritas

Just as much as cuddle time and agendas and projects and ABCs,

Because they know that sometimes a girl just needs to feel young and carefree again.

Sometimes a girl just needs to be a girl.

All my best girlfriends

Are strong enough to do it on their own,

And smart enough to know they don’t have to.

They help me see my strengths and weaknesses

And understand that sometimes those can be one and the same.

And all my girlfriends

Love and laugh, cry and comfort,

Pray and praise, work and walk through life together.

Thank God for girlfriends!

_______Inspiring Movies for Women

Last night I watched Julie and Julia with some of my wonderful girlfriends.  I loved it.  (I know, I'm super behind on movies, but that's life).

Of course, the more movies I see Meryl Streep in, the more I realize she is amazing.  She was hilarious as Julia Child.  I couldn't help but giggle every time I saw her clomping and bubbling around in that marvelously jolly way.  But that alone would not be enough to win me to an entire film.  What I loved about Julie and Julia was that it told the stories of two women who found a way to pursue what they loved.

It reminded me of another movie that stirred me to want to pursue my own passion (writing): The Prize Winner of Defiance Ohio (2005).

Here's what I wrote about it in MomWorks:

It’s about a 1950’s mom who learns to find fulfillment in her life.  She has seemingly a thousand children, a deadbeat husband, and a million worries, but she doesn’t just sit around feeling sorry for herself and wringing her dishpan hands.  Instead, she spends her extra time and energy entering poetry and writing contests for commercial advertising.  Through this enterprise, she provides for herself a creative and intellectual outlet.  She meets a supportive social network of other at-home mothers who do the same contesting.  And she enhances her spiritual life by learning that God uses her skills to provide for her and her family (miraculously, their needs are provided for time and again by a last-minute contest win).  To me, she is a model for at-home mothering at its finest...As an at-home mom, I am given an open slate for how I spend my time.  I can become and pursue anything I want.  If you’ve ever had a passion that’s had to take the back burner because of lack of time, now’s your chance to pursue it, bits at a time, and for God’s glory.


These two movies make me think about all my momma friends who are pursuing their passions.  I know self-made photographers, ladies who make gorgeous handcrafts and products, wedding planners, home-school teachers, women's ministry leaders, pastors, and exercise instructors.  I even know mommas who, against the culture of dual-income families, and sometimes even against that bully, the family budget, are pursuing their dreams to be stay-at-home moms.

I am so proud of those mommas!  So, if you've ever had a passion that's had to take the back burner because of lack of time, now's your chance to pursue it, bits at a time, and for God's glory!

PS, if you know of any other movies for women that are similarly inspiring, please share in the comments section below!

_______Networking

I cannot believe what I did yesterday.  I said I was going to do it, I just can't believe I actually did.

The first part was safe and easy.  I just made myself some business cards:

Then I got myself and Abby ready to go and we drove over to Nana's Attic, an adorable miscellaneous boutique in League City where I had gone with DD, Mimi, and Abby on our girls' day last week (we had a "tea party" at the Holly Berry Tea Room two stores down).  When we were shopping in Nana's Attic a week ago, I noticed in one corner a shelf with several books, many of which were "mom" themed.  So I asked the owner if I could bring my book by for her to take a look at to see if she could sell it there.

And yesterday, as I walked into the store, I had a mild case of butterflies in my stomach.  What was I thinking?  Who is going to possibly want to sell my book?  But I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn't follow through and so I approached the owner with a smile.  She graciously took EveryMom and told me she would get reading.  She couldn't have been more kind and, whether or not she choses to sell my book, I hope everyone local who reads this will head over there to see what cute products she has (I especially like her cooking aprons and handbags).

After that I headed down the street to Mardel Christian Book Store.  I walked in hoping to get the same kind of reception as I did at Nana's Attic, but the florescent lights and warehouse feel gave me a clue that something was amiss, and I adopted a more formal tone than I had previously.  As the manager approached, I reached out my hand, which she begrudgingly took and then proceeded to wipe off on her shirt as if I had given her cooties.  I asked her about the process or possibility of getting my book on the shelves there.  She gruffly replied, barely letting the question mark settle on my question, that only "corporate office" could make that kind of decision.

Then I realized my folly.  I, ignorantly, had not connected the fact that Mardel is a national chain (I don't shop much, remember?).  For me to try to enter a Mardel store to see if they would sell my book would be like a self-employed seamstress walking into JC Penny's to ask the sales clerk if she would sell her homemade aprons.  It just doesn't work that way.  So, once again, I find I have so much to learn about this business.  And I am learning (often the hard way).  From now on I will try to focus only on local shops and church bookstores.

(Still, that manager could have been a little more kind, right?  Oh well.  As I learned in The Search for Significance, everybody has issues...I just don't need to take her issue on me and make it mine.  So, I thanked her for her advice and then asked her to look up a book for me...tee hee...before I left to pick up Isaac.)

And then, yesterday afternoon, I received THE PHONE CALL.  It was the Pastor at my dad's church.  My dad had given her a copy of EveryMom and she was calling to set up a lunch meeting to discuss the possibility of me being a speaker at a church women's event in the fall.  The way she worded it was, "I'm thinking about creating an event around your talk."  Talk about excitement!  Talk about breaking out into a cold sweat!

Okay, God, I asked for this.  Now please HELP me see it through!

_______A Measure of Success

This weekend, I went with some friends to a craft fair to see if I could sell a few copies of my books while my friends sold their hand-made crafts.  As it turned out, I didn't get a single taker.  No one even picked up a book to look at it.  Not that I blame them.  I probably wouldn't be too quick to buy a book from an unknown writer at a craft fair either.

My friend Celeste's picture of her table of crafts.
Those are Julie's crafts on the wall and table in the background.

The thing is, this made me realize how I measure my success. Writing a book, especially a first book like MomWorks or a heart-felt and creative book like EveryMom, is a lot like running a marathon: I measure my success in my ability to see the overwhelming task through to completion.  Now, if I'm able to capitalize on the success, it's just icing on the cake.

Right now, I'm still looking for ways to get my books out there and for new inspirations for future writing projects.  In fact, I just finished reading a book called I'm Glad I'm a Mom by a company called Hearts at Home (the "Look Inside" feature won't work here!).

This is the mission statement of this company: "Hearts at Home is a Christ-centered organization that encourages, educates, and equips women in the profession of motherhood."  When I read that, I thought, "Hey, that's my mission too!" At least it's the mission of my book EveryMom.  I know it's probably just as much of a long shot to get my book published through Hearts at Home as any of the other publishers that I have already tried (this company only publishes two books a year!), but I have nothing to lose so I will be sending them a proposal during the next week.  Wish me luck!

(PS, thanks Aunt Teri for the book!)

Update as of 12/15/09: Well, I finally heard back from Hearts at Home with a no-go.  They reminded me that they only publish two books a year and informed me that they are focusing right now on practical books that moms would look to for help in certain situations...most definitely not my genre!  Oh well!  Also I just checked both my book's sales on amazon.com.  The first book, MomWorks, is actually selling more consistently than the second book, EveryMom.  This is kind of a bummer because I think EveryMom is a much better book!  I still have no new book ideas and would appreciate your prayers for guidance in this area.  Until I feel inspired, I will leave well-enough alone!

_______If I Were in Charge of the World

I have previously claimed that I have always been a writer (among other things).  Here is a bit of proof.  This is a poem I wrote in fifth grade, modeled after Judith Viorst's poem by the same title.  Granted, you probably wrote a similar poem considering that nearly every fifth grade student in America has written their own version of this poem.  However, does every fifth grade student get a shiny blue Sticker of Approval from the teacher?  I think not.



If I Were in Charge of the World

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel mosquitoes
The sun
Gun fights and also
Crazy people

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be longer weekends
Shorter school years and
Chocolate sundaes fifty thousand feet higher

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have bad days
You wouldn't have taxes
You wouldn't have spinach
Or "Go do your homework"
You wouldn't even have homework

If I were in charge of the world
In fifth grade you'd have your ABC's and 1,2,3's
All boys would be nice
And a person who sometimes forgot to work
And sometimes forgot to clean
Would still be allowed to be in charge of the world



Looking back, it is not clear to me why I wanted to do away with the sun.  Seems like that would be a bit reckless.  Also, why in the world was I concerned with taxes?  As a fifth grader, I never had to file my own taxes.  And I still haven't to this day.  I'm still all for canceling the mosquitoes though.

Nasty Things.

_______Nonsense and Sensibility

The first grown up novel I read as a teenager was Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austin.


 I loved it because the personalities of the two Dashwood sisters reminded me so much of my sister and I.  Lindsay was (and still is) all sense, rationality, logic.  She takes action because she has thought it through and it makes sense to her.  At the time when I read this book (and still to a large degree today), I was all sensibility, rashness, whimsical emotion.  I took action because I couldn't possibly do anything other than respond to the demands of my sensibilities.  Thankfully I have matured a bit these days and have learned that a little sense goes a long way!  (Although when I do something I still generally throw myself into it wholeheartedly, often still without clear foresight.)

Anyway, as a high school senior, I penned this tidbit poem to commemorate my own personality quirk of sensibility:


Nonsense and Sensibility


I am practically impractical
when it comes to being sensible.
And when emotions capture me,
I'm sensibility, times three.

_______My Books

I wrote my first book during the year after Isaac was born.  Honestly, it's not a great work of literature.  Not even close.  However, it constituted a huge success for me.  I have always been a writer (among other things) and I have long dreamed of writing a book.  I am very thankful that I live in an era of technology when I can publish my own writing without cost to myself.  It was such a thrill to see hard evidence that I had completed my first book.

After self-publishing my first book on motherhood in 2007, I had no intention of ever writing about motherhood again.  But after having Abby (also in 2007), I found that life with a toddler and a newborn made it impossible to write about anything other than, well, life with a toddler and a newborn.  I had some serious venting to do!  So I spent any spare moment during Abby’s first year writing my second book:

This second book is also, admittedly, not a great work of literature.  Neither is it unique.  There are so many books about motherhood out there.  But, nonetheless, I felt the writing of it was extremely healthy and helpful for me as I was faced with the daily challenges of raising two such young children.  I feel that this book has a little bit more merit than the first and writing it has taken me one step closer to finding my writing voice.

I am exceedingly grateful to everyone who has helped me edit and revise my work, finalize and publish my work, and just plain encouraged me to pursue this dream of mine.  You all rock!

_______Tumbling Trashcans

I found this poem in my college writing portfolio.  It was a form poem that we were assigned where we had to copy the format line for line, but with our own content.  I wish I still had the assignment sheet so I could see what the form was.  For example, I can pretty much guarantee that line one was supposed to include a metaphor.  Perhaps line two was meant to include alliteration. 


For sure, I remember that halfway through the poem (at the second stanza) we were supposed to move the action to a new setting.  Thus it makes an abrupt switch from the highway where I nearly crashed into a tumbling trashcan to the dorms where I was living.


Also, line 21 is in Greek and I remember clearly that the instructions were to include a foreign language in that line.  It is the Greek word Ichthys which means fish and refers to the Christian symbol for Jesus Christ.  The word Ichthys was used by early Christians as an acrostic, a word formed from the first letters of several words. It compiles to "Jesus Christ, God's son, savior," in ancient Greek.  (Wikipedia)


Finally, in the last line we were instructed to bring the poem back to the beginning.  Considering that it was a form poem, I was really pleased with how it turned out.







Tumbling Trashcans


Driving last night was a tumbling trashcan.
It tried to tumble me.
The trashcan wobbling in the back of the truck.
Cold sweat of the driver behind it.
The thud of the trashcan on the highway.
Burnt aroma of breaking tires.
Tasting the nearness of death.
It tasted like the numbness of silence.
I wished I hadn't left Lindsay to go back home to Remington Road.
I was headed back to the dorm on Remington Road.


In the dorm, the rooms beat different beats.
The walls echo with giggles and squeals.
They can't be silent because they're students.
"Are you going out tonight?"
They are as excited as a hangover.
Then they throb through the air to the boys at the frat house.


On Friday nights Meg goes out with her friends.
But they won't end up with a headache.
As giant children they laugh their way through the night.
They have all that they need.
ΙΧΘΥΣ, Jesus Christ, Son of God, Savior.


Meanwhile, the beer bottles kiss their goodnights.
And the girls totter home like tumbling trashcans.

_______Wrestling with God

I wrote this poem in college soon after I decided to follow Christ instead of myself.  In the July 2008 blog entry, I described it as "a very conscious struggle between me and God."  Can't tell you how thankful I am that God didn't give up on me even when I told him I didn't want Him!



Wrestling with God

That night I lay in the dark and I wrestled with God.
We disagreed on where my life should go.
I wanted everything:
the world, myself.
He just wanted me.
I told Him I didn't want Him.
I was too important for that.
(Those were the times He let me think that I was winning.)
He told me He just wanted me.
And He never gave up.
In the end, His will was stronger than mine.
Because He won, I felt that I had lost.
I can see now that I won also.

_______Just Before the Music Started

I wrote this poem after Lindsay's wedding, where I was a maid of honor.  It describes a touching moment our family had just before we walked out to do the ceremony.  Sweet memory.



Just Before the Music Started

In the hotel dressing room we prepared for the wedding.
Clothes strewn about the floor were dodged as people rushed in and out.
The four of us bobbed for mirror space as we finished our makeup.

Mom gave Lindsay her new pearls and let me wear her old ones.
Tears came to my eyes as she helped me put them on.
I thought she had forgotten me.

The note came from the groom.
Who could read it without tears?
Grandma read the note full of love and hope.
We all cried anyway.

One minute to go.
One last preparation.
We prayed in thanks and in hope, all holding hands.
Then we opened the doors and the music started.