WOW! God Speaks!

Girls, I have been struggling, and I mean struggling for over a year now on the subject of being a speaker for women's groups.  Recently, pieces of the puzzle have fallen together so neatly that I really feel like I can look back on this past year of wondering and see where God has been leading me bit by bit.  And WOW!  I feel so free in the knowledge I now have!  If you are interested in seeing the progression of my "ah-hah" moments along the way, check out these blog entries in order: "Networking,"  "The Prayers of My Sisters,"  "A New (Old) Direction (Again),"  "Dog Days," "My First Speaking Gig," "Step by Step" and then "A Date With God."  If you just want the summary, read on...

The question I started out asking was whether or not I should pursue a mini career as a guest speaker for women's groups.  My thinking was thus: I have a HUGE heart for women's ministry, speaking is time-flexible and would allow me to be creative and still be a stay-at-home mom, and I would love to have a venue to sell my books.  It seemed like self promotion was a logical next step to the self-publishing process ("Networking", above).  Then I landed my first speaking "gig" ("Prayers of My Sisters," above).  My thoughts became thus:  What will I say?  Will it makes sense?  Will I be entertaining enough?  Will they like my stories?  Will I have a big zit on my nose for the talk?  What will I wear?  Will anyone buy a book?  What should I charge for a speaking fee?

Those questions weren't bad questions.  They were a perfectly natural human response to a new situation, especially the type of situation that most people have nightmares about: public speaking.  I was dually terrified and excited about the opportunity to give the talk and it went fairly well for a first attempt ("My First Speaking Gig", above).  I based my assessment of the talk on two criteria: 1. the audience seemed to enjoy my talk and 2. I sold a few books.  On the surface it seemed like a mild success.

But from the beginning of the whole process until now I have had a nagging feeling about this whole thing, as if something were not quite right.  I have been in prayer and asked some of my most trusted sisters in Christ to be in prayer with me on this topic throughout the year.  I have been on quite a journey with it ("Dog Days" and "Step by Step", above).  And then, after my first talk, came the question of whether I would ever do it again.  With the combination of the lack of leads I had for speaking gigs and the nagging feeling I had that something wasn't quite right, I just felt like I needed to step back (again) and see what God was trying to tell me in this situation ("A Date With God", above).

And God spoke.  In the crazy way that God speaks--through allowing a drawn-out struggle with a concept, through a long walk in the valley, through silence, through friends in Christ, through scripture, and through the wisdom of Christian leaders--so God spoke to me.

The proverbial "valley" was the first way God communicated to me.  It was in this valley that I spent the year struggling and grappling with the idea of being a speaker at all.  Doors were not exactly flying open.  Opportunities were not exactly laying themselves at my feet.  I began to wonder if this path was indeed the right one for me.  And this led to a year of questioning myself and questioning God.  I began to ask about God's specific will for my life.  If He didn't want me to be a speaker, what did He want me to be?  I knew He wanted me to be a wife and mom above anything else ("A New (Old) Direction (Again)", above) and I too wanted that more than anything.  But I have a stirring desire in me to do more too.  Throughout this year of questioning, God answered only with silence.  He made me wait.  And struggle.  And grapple.  There would be no easy answer.  There would be no: "MEGAN, THIS IS GOD.  YES, YOU SHOULD BE A SPEAKER."  OR "MEGAN, GOD HERE.  DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT."

Next, God used my reading of the book Crazy Love by Frances Chan.

Now there's a lot I could say about this book, some praise and some criticism.  But the point here is that God spoke to me through the reading of this book about one thing in particular: GLORY.  The question this book posed to me about my plans for my future was: Who is getting the GLORY?  One thing the book does well is remind the reader how big and worthy of praise God is and how small and insignificant we individuals really are compared to Him.  And, in light of my dreams of being a speaker, it caused me to question my motives.  Whose glory was I seeking?  Well, looking at the questions I asked myself in preparation for my first talk,  one can easily see that I was thinking almost entirely of myself.  It's not that picking out a cute outfit is a bad thing in preparing for a talk.  It's just that praying, "Lord, please keep me from making a fool out of myself!" might not be the most appropriate a prayer when preparing for a talk.  Why?  It makes the focus solely on me.  It's all about me.

The following Wednesday, at my church's weekday service, I felt led to confess my self-absorbtion to God. I told Him I had been making this whole thing about me: my success, my ambitions, ultimately my glory.  I  asked God to help me make the sole purpose of my talk to bring Him glory.  And then I told God that I would relinquish my ambitions to be a speaker and put them in His hands.  If He wanted me to be a speaker, He could open the doors and lay the opportunities at my feet.  That is how I would know if it was His will for my life or not.

Then I began to have conversations about this with my sisters in Christ.  While they affirmed my determination to make any effort be for God's glory, they did not readily affirm my choice to stop seeking speaking opportunities.  Rather, I heard from more than one of them on separate occasions, "You have to listen to last Sunday's sermon" which I had missed because I was working with the elementary kids that day.

After listening to the study I was reminded of something that I already knew.  Except that sometimes we know something (as in "yeah, yeah, I know that already") but we don't really know it (as in "walking in the belief of it").  The sermon reminded me that God does not necessarily have a linear will planned like a road map for my life.  As the pastor of my church put it, 90% of God's will for your life is written in the word of God.  90% of God's will for me consists of biblical statements like: "And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him" (Colossians 3:17).  Whatever we do.  Whether I ever get another opportunity to speak or not.  As Beth Moore puts it in her Daniel Study: "Our greatest purpose in life is to glorify God: to make Him famous in our lands.  Isaiah 26:8 says it perfectly: 'Your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.'"

My second speaking opportunity is lined up for a MOPs group this Friday.  I am equally exuberantly excited and horrifically nervous.  I don't know yet if I will ever speak publicly again after this opportunity. But I do know, beyond anything else, that my desire on Friday is that God would be glorified.  

It's So Awesome.

Well, the title of this post is a direct quote from my kids who instantaneously burst into song and dance after their first introduction to our new car (2009 Mazda 5).  The quality is grainy but the spirit is evident.

And in case you wish to replicate the experience, the lyrics are: "It's so awesome. It's so awesome.  Everybody put your bum in the air!"

Where do they come up with this stuff?

Happy Birthday to Me!

What a fun birthday!

Started with a HUGE hug and kiss and "Happy Birthday Mommy!" from my little ones.  Following that was a delicious omelet and homemade biscuit breakfast cooked especially for me by Boppa.  Yummy!

Then I took the kids on a bike ride tour of the neighborhood garage sale.  We found $30 worth of Legos for $5!  Awesome!

Later, I left the kids with Mimi and Boppa and picked up Adel from the airport.

After a yummy sushi lunch, we got a free Starbucks frappacino (courtesy of a generous giftcard from a thoughtful friend).  Then we hopped over to World Market to redeem my $10 free birthday gift certificate (pays to be a member sometimes!).  I picked out some favorite goodies.

Dinner is on!  This is the way I like to eat.  A little nibble here...a little nibble there.  Papa Johns breadsticks and garlic butter dip are on the way too!  Mmmm...I'm so happy.

Oh, and I picked out a birthday present for myself: a new indoor plant.  Hope I don't kill it right away!

I have loved all the text messages, emails, and facebook messages of happy birthday wishes from friends and family.  I feel so blessed and my heart is so full.  I feel like today has been a little slice of heaven.  Not so much the bargains and the shopping and the food (well, maybe the chocolate), but more just the feeling of being so loved and with such a full and happy heart.  I'm pretty sure that's what every day in heaven will feel like.  I'm sending out birthday wishes for everyone to have a little slice of heaven today too.  Love you all.  

Now, off to enjoy my munchies and the sweet company of my husband.

Happy birthday to me!

A Date With God

Yesterday I found myself in an unusual situation.  It was the first instance in a looooooong while that I had a nice window of time all to myself.  Isaac was, of course, at school, and Abby had the happy (yummy) privilege of going to a cookie making class for kids at the YMCA.

It took me a while to figure out what to do with this precious and rare "me time."  When my kids used to take naps, I would prioritize how I would spend my time by asking the question: What is the hardest thing to get done with kids around?  Whatever it was, it should be done first!  By using this as a priority, I tended to focus my "me time" on quiet times reading the bible, napping, or writing, rather than doing laundry or cleaning.

So it was yesterday.  I have been feeling a little out of sorts in the past couple weeks and I really felt like it would be the best use of my time to have a date with God.  Once decided, I was as excited about planning my time with God as I would be in planning a date night with my husband.  How would we spend our time together?  Quickly I landed on a morning spent in prayer.  I didn't want it to be a morning of begging God to give me what I want in life, but rather some quality time spent together with the Lord.  If you're anything like me, the idea of spending more than five minutes in prayer can be pretty daunting, let alone a whole morning at it!  As excited as I was for my date with God, I was also nervous.  What if I couldn't last for a whole morning?  What if I got bored ten minutes into it?  I decided to use my time to walk through the ACTS prayer I learned of so long ago:

• Adoration: Praising God for who He is
• Confession: Asking God's forgiveness for specific sins
• Thanksgiving: Thanking God for specific blessings
• Supplication: Bringing specific concerns before God

Through each aspect of prayer I did a little bit of singing, some journaling, some time in prayer, and some time (the hardest part) in just quietly listening.  The morning flew by.

A - Adoration.  I find that this is the part I tend to skip over most of all in my own private prayer life.  It is easy to worship God in the context of singing together with the church in guided praise.  For some reason, it is harder for me to praise God in the privacy of my own mind.  So, this morning, I spent my workout time on the elliptical machine listening to worship music on my ipod.  Normally during my workout I am watching some brainless TV show or other.  Not a terrible thing to do, but I must say that the worship felt like a much better use of time.  Since my mind is not trained on the art of private worship, I had to several times pray for God's help in focusing my heart on Him and helping me commune with Him through the time spent with Him.  Some instrumental songs on my mix allowed me to speak my own words of adoration to God.  The lyrics of the other songs led me to worship different aspects of His glory and character.  Fernando Ortega's "O Thou in Whose Presence" became a favorite of the morning.  These words were particularly powerful to me:

"He looks, and ten thousands of angels rejoice, 

And myriads wait for His word;

He speaks and eternity, filled with His voice,

Re-echoes the praise of the Lord."

C - Confession.  This tends to be the second most brushed over aspect of prayer in my prayer life.  I think that is partly because, in the eyes of the world (and myself), I'm a relatively "good" person.  My behavior is usually socially acceptable.  But I know that with God, the inward sins I harbor are as significant as the outward sins I refrain from.  If you don't believe that, check out Matthew 5:18-48.  In those verses, Jesus takes the letter of the law twenty times further by proving that it's what's in the heart that matters, and that, no matter how wonderful we think our actions are, there is always another step toward goodness that we failed to take.  In short, godly perfection is impossible.  God has even declared what we view as our "righteousnesses" to be like "filthy rags" to Him (Isaiah 64:6).  Maybe I am not so "good" after all and the topic deserves some introspection.  And so I took some time to confess my repetitive inward sins: pride, selfishness, self indulgence, ambivalence toward God, caring too much for the approval of others (need I go on to prove my point!?).  I also confessed some specific sins that I know I have committed lately.  Even though God knows all these things about me already, it felt good to be in communication with Him about them.  There is nothing withheld or hidden between us.  

T - Thanksgiving.  Counting my blessings is easy and I love to do it.  In my daily prayers I usually sprinkle in the obvious ones: "Thank You for my children, my husband, the financial ability to pay for the good life we live."  But it was good to spend some time really dwelling on all the ways God has blessed me and thanking Him for each one.  I find it really hard to have a bad attitude or feel sorry for myself when I'm focusing on thankfulness for all of these blessings.

S - Supplication.  This is the one that I tend to focus on the most in my private prayer life, so much to the extent that, without the other aspects of prayer, it seems like I'm using God as my own personal vending machine.  I hastily pop in my quarter, a quick prayer, a thin slice of time, asking God for something I need.  And I expect results.  Sadly, I understand how God feels when I treat Him like this, neglecting the other aspects of our relationship and only coming to Him when I want something.  There are many instances and many people who treat others this way and I have felt what He must feel like when supplication is the only aspect of prayer which I perform with regularity.  However, on this particular day, I had spent time in His presence.  I had opened my heart to Him in worship, I had grown closer to Him through the transparency of confession, and I had laughed and smiled with Him in thanks for all that is lovely and good in my life.  So then, when I came to Him with my requests, it was as a close friend revealing the desires of her heart to her companion, rather than as a beggar expecting a handout.  I'm not sure how He will choose to respond to my desires, but I know He has heard me and His response will be what He knows is best for me.


The whole experience today was wonderful.  It did nothing to make me any more holy.  It did not earn me brownie points with God or extra treasure in heaven.  But, like quality time with someone I love, this time with God has brought me closer to Him and I feel ready to head out into the world again, healthy and filled.  Sisters, I pray for you and me that we will find more opportunities in our days to make dates with God!  

Facebook Slip Up

Last night while innocently scanning Facebook for relevant news, I came across a post from Julie stating something along the lines of: "Official Facebook announcement: we are expecting another baby.  Our due date is March 13."

Off hand, I thought it was rather odd that I wouldn't have found out news like this from my friend Julie before she posted it on Facebook for 800 of her other "friends" to see.  I also found the flippant way it was announced strange considering that any of Julie's friends know that having another child right now is the farthest thing from her mind.  Just ask her if she wants another baby, and see the look she gives you!  But, I thought, people have posted stranger things before.

So I posted a kind little congratulations message on her Facebook "wall."  Within the next half an hour Julie's wall was bombarded with confused little messages from her friends:
Sarah: ???????????????
Tara: excuse me!!!
Kristie: Say what?
Chandra: WHAT????
Susanna: Hello???
Mac: e-squeeze me?

Upon reading the first few, I thought, "Well her other friends must have thought her announcement as strange as I did, but surely they could be more thoughtful in responding with encouragement rather than shock?!"  I was a little taken aback by their apparent insensitivity.  But by the last message of utter confusion, I began to feel that somehow the error had to lie with me.

I knew, I just KNEW that I had seen that post announcing the pregnancy publicly, so how could I be the only one to know about it?  So I went back to Facebook.   That is where, after some sleuthing, I discovered the unsettling truth that it was a completely different friend Julie who was expecting a baby.

For a moment I felt stupefied with horror at what I had done: erroneously posted that Julie was expecting a baby on her wall for all 800 of her Facebook friends to see.  I imagined her getting irate phone calls from her family members and close friends asking why she didn't tell them first...and all because of ME!

Since there's no way of removing a post from someone else's wall,  I quickly wrote another post explaining the mistake.   Finally, Julie chimed in on the situation:
"OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! That is hilarious!! No girls, there is NO baby is this oven!! YIKES! Although, if I was preggers you guys probably WOULD find out through FB because I would be locked up in a mental hospital. :) No worries, Megan."


And then later, when my mortification at the mistake finally turned to some hearty laughter as I re-read the progression of the wall posts, she wrote:
"Laugh away!! I am! Sam said he was glad he didn't see it first or he would have fainted! Hahaha! Good Times... ;)"


I just wanted to commemorate this story here, lest I ever become so prideful that I forget that I am often a careless nit-wit.  Good times indeed.

Stop Motion Flip Book

Yesterday the kids gathered every pillow we have in the house (which turns out to be a ridiculous amount when you put them all together) and made a trail around our living room.  Originally I got out my camera to capture their creative pillow trail.  But then Isaac, knowing my habit of taking a dozen or so pictures of every scenario, got another creative idea.  Without even telling me, he started posing himself for each picture in stop-motion-flip-book type of movements.  So, although anyone who doesn't read this intro is not going to understand why I posted so many pictures of the same scene, I'm posting them so I can remember Isaac's creativity.  He has seen flip books before and he actually posed himself for each picture.  Then we looked back through the shots to see his "movement." (Abby was just plain old moving, versus Isaac posing).

I love the creative genius of kids!

Elementary Boot Camp

This is only the second week of school and I already feel like the learning curve I'm experiencing is akin to a boot camp for first-time elementary moms.  I had no idea how ill prepared I was for the world that is elementary school.

For one thing, Isaac's teacher, who I have been thrilled about since the first day of school, fell and broke her leg this Monday.  She will be out for an undetermined amount of time while she recovers.  Can you imagine trying to teach 20 kindergarden students while nursing a broken leg?  Impossible!  So I'm bummed about that.

Secondly, Isaac and I had one cranky morning early this week.  He was whining non-stop and I was tired and unable (or unwilling) to cope well with his crankiness on top of mine.  For an hour getting ready in the morning we bickered and pecked at each other, pressing each other's last nerve way too many times.  Every time he whined, I mimicked his whining, attempting to show him how it sounded to me and get him to ask nicely for what he wanted instead.  But I think all I really did was harass and insult him by it.  And then we pulled up to the drop off zone at school and I gave him a kiss and watched  his tiny little self walk into that great big building filled with hundreds of kids who are all bigger than he is and dozens of grownups who may have woken up equally as cranky as his momma did.

And then it hit me...I'm supposed to be the safe one.  I'm supposed to the be one he can be cranky with and not have it shoved back in his face.  Who knows what he's going to encounter in that great big building, filled with hundreds of people, none of whom love him like I do?  I was pretty upset at myself and I made a renewed vow of patience and loving kindness in my response to him when he's grumpy.  There's just too much at stake now that he's away from home for 7 hours every school day.  I want to use every chance I get with him at home to build him up, not tear him down.  The world is hard enough on a child.

And that's exactly what happened next.  On Thursday when I picked him up, Isaac said, "Mom, I had a bad day today."  He then told me about three boys from his class who knocked his lunch box off the table and were kicking it back and forth when he tried to get it back.  I was so bothered by this that I had to blink back tears.  I knew he was going to be the youngest and the smallest in his class, but I had hoped that his big personality would help keep him from being an easy target for bullies.  I also did not expect bullying behavior in Kindergarden.

My first thought was about the principal of the school, who lives a few houses down from us.  "I'll stop by tonight and ask her what I should do!"  But then I reflected that it would be rude to force her to do business on her off hours (and with an overreacting, overprotective parent at that!).  Not to mention that I'd be playing my "neighbor card" way too early in the game.  So then I thought I would call the next morning and try to make an appointment to see her that day.  Thankfully my friend Melissa, who has a fourth grader, came by that afternoon.  I told her the problem and asked what she thought I should do.  She told me that she would just send a note to the teacher, asking her to observe the boys' behavior (including Isaac's) to see if she could pinpoint the cause of any problems.

This seemed like a perfectly reasonable idea, and much less of an overreaction than running to the principal's office.  Adel and I spent the evening talking to Isaac about things he could do to avoid a similar situation.  In the end, I felt like the way we handled it enabled Isaac to gain the skills to fight his own battles.  We told Isaac he should make friends and sit with them at lunch (a child by himself seems like an easier target to me).  I'm not sure he got our exact message when he replied with excitement, "I'll make five friends and use them as WEAPONS!"

Finally, as if all that drama wasn't enough for one week, the next day I forgot to put Isaac's teddybear in his backpack.  Each student was supposed to bring a teddybear to school and share about it during circle time.  Halfway, through the school day, I realized that I had forgotten Isaac's.  Although that seems like a small thing, my emotions tend to create drama when there is none.  Instantly my overactive imagination pictured Isaac sitting forlorn and bear-less while the class shared about their teddybears and the mean boys pointed their fingers at him and laughed mercilessly.  I wanted to cry again.  Last year at preschool, I frequently got dates wrong or forgot to send whatever item was requested for the day.  But the teachers were forgiving and the kids were sweet.  This time I thought, "My carelessness is going to make my son a target  again!  He's going to have another bad day because of ME!"

Thankfully my friend Jennifer was available for an on-line chat.  I told her that I wanted to cry and she said, "GO! The school day isn't over yet and even if you're too late, you'll feel better if you at least try."  And so, I went.  Isaac was just finishing up his lunchtime.  I pulled him aside to the tables where parents can eat with their kids and asked him if they'd shared about their teddybears yet.  He said they hadn't, thank goodness!  We emptied out his lunchbox and put his teddy bear snug inside so he could take it back to class without drawing attention to it.  Then I hugged him goodbye and Abby and I returned home to recover from yet another day of "Elementary Boot Camp."

PS, after school I asked  Isaac if he would have been sad if I hadn't brought his bear and if he were the only one who didn't have one.  He said, "No.  It's just a bear."  The boy is smarter than his momma sometimes.