A New Heart for God's Big Picture

The past two months have been excruciatingly hard for me and my family.

Looking back on my previous posts will explain why, if you don't already know (they go in backwards order, in blog most-recent-post-first fashion):

Celebration of Life
Faith in Regret
A Little Help from our Friends
Family Service
Peace and Comfort
Jesus is Our Hope
Moments of Normalcy
Great Family Weekend
Hard Times, Good Times
Trust Walk
Dad Update
Faith in the Big Picture
Ups and Downs
Boppa Update
Truth to Cling to When Life Gets Crappy

And, wow, did I write a lot.  We found out Dad's cancer had spread to his brain on August 23.  He passed away on October 18.  And every moment in between was so very hard.  Beautiful, but hard.

Now that Dad's family memorial service has come and gone, and his Celebration of Life event has come and gone, a new feeling has set in, mixing with the sadness and the memories of a good life with him.  The new feeling is determination.

The last two months have narrowed my focus to my family and my own needs, and rightfully so. It was a time for pouring everything into my mom and dad, my kids, my husband, and my own spiritual health as we all forged our way through those tough days.  Everything else had to stop.  We were in spiritual triage and I wasn't able to give much thought to friends, ministry, work, or the adoption process we are in the middle of.

In fact, three days after Dad passed away, I received a phone call from our adoption case worker, wanting to meet with us.  When I told him about my dad, he asked if I wanted him to close our file for a while.  I replied that we hadn't changed our minds at all.  We just needed a few weeks to deal with family things before we could continue to move forward with adoption.  He kindly said he would wait as long as we needed.  And so, adoption, and everything else, went on hold.

But driving up to Dad's Celebration of Life event on Saturday, I felt overwhelmed by God's Big Picture, and my small part in it.  I felt completely strong and filled with God's love, and I had grand glimpses into my hopes for my future here on this earth.  I felt a renewed vigor for using my time wisely, being the hands and feet of Jesus as much as I possibly can with the time I am allowed.

So, today begins a new day, a new beginning.  I will continue to grieve and miss my dad.  I will continue to be the best possible support I can be for my mom.  This is not going to be easy for her, as she has been my dad's sweetheart since their teenage years.  But I am also newly on fire for the greater mission in my heart, for God's Big Picture.

I am newly excited for...

...the mission of soaking in God's daily wisdom, truth, and love, knowing Him more, growing in Him daily.

...the mission of being a godly, loving, present wife and mother to my husband and kids.

...the mission of fostering deep, godly friendships, of raising kids together with families who share a strong love for God our Father.

...the mission of teaching Jesus in a fun and accessible way to the elementary kids at our church.

...the mission of growing disciples through bible study.

...even the mission of taking good care of the material possessions I am blessed to be entrusted with (starting today, with cleaning my own house for the first time in two months).

And I am once again filled with an overwhelming desire to press on in the mission of bringing new children into our family through adoption, and the mission of spreading God's Good News and being God's hands and feet to those in need in our neighborhood and around the world.  In fact, it seems another of God's crazy-cool coincidences in timing that this Sunday our church started a three-week series on adoption.  Adel and I nearly sobbed when the pastor announced that our church had picked 100 local kids to highlight during this series, in hopes that our congregation could prayerfully find good homes for them.  We couldn't help but feel that one of those (or more) might be ours.  It was the same kind of sobbing joy you feel when you see your first ultrasound of your baby's heartbeat, and You Know this is a gift from God.

I know so many people have been praying for me, and for my family, and dear friends, I can feel it.  God is so good that my heart wants to explode with excitement for the turning of the pages in my life, for the beauty as well as the struggle.

Before my dad died, when my heart broke in new ways every day, I knew God would give me strength through it, but I didn't want to go there.  I cried out to God, "I don't want to be strong enough for this!  I don't want to do this!"  I still don't want it to have happened.  I wish I could undo it all.  But through God's undeniable, unbelievable strength, His sustaining hand, I am made strong enough to walk out of even this fire refined, burnished, stronger and more sure than ever that I serve a great God.  I have a new heart for God's Big Picture.  And it starts right here in this day of listening to music, reading His Word, writing, writing, writing, and folding laundry.