Love Languages

Isaac is a snuggle bug.  That's his love language.  He loves a good back-scratch or just some cuddle time in the morning with his mommy.  If he's sad or has just been scolded, he needs a hug to feel better again.

Several years ago, Adel and I read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  While it didn't solve all of our communication problems, it did give us words to describe some of our most profound differences (if you haven't noticed, Adel and I have pretty different personalities).  The five love languages are: 1. Physical Touch, 2. Quality Time, 3. Acts of Service, 4. Words of Affirmation, and 5. Giving Gifts.  It turned out that learning about these five love language not only helped me understand my spouse better, but it also recently helped me communicate with my five year old.

While giving me a good snuggle a few days ago, Isaac asked me why his daddy doesn't like to snuggle.  This seemed a deeper question than meets the eye and I paused a moment to gather my thoughts before answering.  I have often wondered (stressed about) whether Adel's weakness in the love language of physical affection or words of affirmation would affect our kids.  And now here was our five year old questioning why his dad didn't communicate love in the same way he did.  This brought to mind what I knew of the five love languages and I decided to give it a try to explain them to my son.

I explained to Isaac that his own love language was physical touch.  He completely agreed with me that he likes to snuggle with people that he loves.  Then I explained that mommy's love language is words of affirmation and I gave him examples of how I like to tell him I love him or tell him all the things he does so well.  I use words to communicate love.

And then I explained about his daddy.  "Daddy isn't very good at snuggling or using words to say 'I love you' but he has a different love language, actually two different love languages.  Daddy works hard all day at work and then what does he do when he comes home?  He helps mommy cook and do the dishes and get you kids in bed.  One of daddy's love languages is helping (acts of service)."  Then I asked Isaac to think of some examples of when his daddy had helped him with something.  "Daddy likes to help the people he loves.  Daddy's other love language is time (quality time).  Daddy loves hanging out with his family.  Some of his favorite things to do with you are building Legos and playing video games.  When he plays with you like that, he's letting you know how much he loves you."

I saw a visible change flash over Isaac as I was explaining the way his daddy shows love to him.  As the meaning sunk in, and the realization that he was loved so much, even without snuggles, Isaac appeared to have the warm glow of love for just a moment.  It was the same face he makes when he's getting a back-scratch, or snuggling with me in the morning.  He was receiving love by understanding the way his father gives it.  I realized how this understanding can help my kids navigate the two opposite and often confusing personalities of their parents.  There is not one right way to express love, and through continued conversations about it, we can hopefully all grow in understanding each other's love languages.

We finished the conversation with a guessing game of sorts, identifying someone we knew with each of the following love languages:

Time (Quality Time): Daddy, Boppa, Lolo
Helping (Acts of Service): Daddy, Boppa
Giving Gifts: Mimi, Lola
Words (Words of Affirmation): Mommy
Snuggle (Physical Touch): Isaac

I also had to explain that I wasn't sure yet what Abby's love language is.  I told Isaac I would have to study her for another year to be sure.  But it's a fun, worthwhile study.