I have been seeking and praying all summer for what God wants me to do with my time now that both kids are in school full-time. I felt very strongly that full-time work was not in the best interest of myself or my family. So I began to explore other options. Adel and I have agreed that God has blessed him so much with a good career and financial stability, that me looking for part-time work would not be the best use of my time, as it would be simply for material gain. We agree that my time is better spent continuing to serve the family, creating a peaceful home, and...the new thing...ministry. But what that ministry would look like was the question. And it is through that question that God has been at work in me.
All last year I volunteered now and then at a new pregnancy center, leading bible study. I thought that when my kids were in school, I would be able to become a regular spiritual counselor there. But as the summer progressed I had a growing sense that it was not the right fit for me. I prayed and had some friends praying with me, and I went for my first day "on the job." As much as I love that center and the people there, I just did not have a peace about committing a day to it. So, I pursued some other options that had been brought to my attention.
One was another pregnancy center that might be a better fit. I was excited about this, thinking this was it. I could see myself as a spiritual counselor there. But again, as weeks progressed, God used several conversations and studies to convict me that, yet again, this type of ministry was not for me (at least right now). This was a challenging conviction. Why would God not want me to serve women in need? In a way, not serving seems to go against what following God is all about.
But not when you really know God, or when you really know me. God has been working on me, year after year, since I became a stay at home mom, on contentment (being okay where I'm at and with what I have), identity in Him alone (not in a title or position), and humility (my ministry should be all about Him, not all about me). He has slowly, slowly removed the layers of my obsession with self and replaced it with a genuine love for Him and desire to seek His glory.
He has also been challenging me lately that I need to save time (lots of time) to grow myself in Him. Through several studies, He helped me see some of the areas where I need to grow. And through many conversations with good friends, He helped me see that there are already people He has placed in my life that I have not been ministering to, in my distracted search for a ministry.
So I did the hard thing and called up the second pregnancy center and told them also that I could not volunteer there right now. So far, this school year I have felt very unreliable. But my main goal is to follow God and I'm seeking Him daily more now than I have in a long time. The final ministry that was brought to my attention was one that does not have a job title. I had talked to the pastor's wife at my church, who counsels the women who come to the church for help, and told her my heart for growing relationships with the purpose of helping others to grow as followers of Christ. She said she would use me as a resource, connecting me from time to time with young ladies who might benefit from having someone walk with them through life for a season. It's a very undefined job. There's no leader's guide, no job title, and no check-list for completion.
Well this week I was connected with my first young lady through the church. I was so excited to finally be given some responsibility, that I really kind of blew it on the very first day. I talked with her for an hour, heard some of her needs, and instead of seeing her One True Need --Jesus, I focused on the needs that I (in my infinite wisdom, ha!) could meet. In doing so, I unthinkingly threatened to violate about half a dozen church policies and procedures, stepped on several toes of other church members, and just plain didn't use the wisdom God has given me. I was attempting to make me the hero instead of God. Thankfully, one sweet leader at the church set me straight on my error in the most grace-filled way, and resolved the problem(s) I had created.
For 24 hours, I had to sit with my failure, and talk myself through it with the truths I believe about God's unwavering love and acceptance for me, and with many kind and encouraging words from others. He was so awesome in keeping me close to Him while I struggled with feelings of insecurity and doubt. And then, exactly one day after I made my mistake, God gave me the grace of allowing me a victory, but a completely different victory than I had been seeking the day before. The day before, I had been seeking a personal victory, one where I was the hero, not just for the young lady, but, in my mind, also for several other people involved. This time, God had stripped me of me enough that He could shine through and be the Hero I can never be.
My sweet young lady called the very next day with a crisis and we met to talk it through. I had been very prayerful already the past 24 hours and I had prayed beforehand for God to give me wisdom this time. As I listened to her tell me her problems, I prayed, "God, I can't think of anything to say that would help her. I'm just going to listen and extend friendship and support to her, unless You provide me with words to say."
After a while, it happened --God provided. Suddenly, my mind was able to connect her situation with some of my own past experiences, experiences where I was weak and God was the hero. Suddenly, I was able to recall the biblical wisdom others had poured into me during those times. I was able to connect her struggles, and mine, to the messages we had both heard in church over the past few weeks. It all made sense, it all came together so perfectly, and, most importantly, it all pointed to Jesus.
The young lady took what I said very seriously. She saw immediately, with my personal examples, how she too needed Jesus, to grow in understanding and acceptance of His love for her. I suggested a few tools she could use to do so and she has already begun the process. It was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced in ministry. I was completely helpless, a jar of clay, and God was the Treasure inside of me that spilled out at that moment of transparency and weakness (2 Corinthians 4:7). And I felt so comforted and loved that God allowed this to take place to heal me from the pain of failure the day before.
So, this is where I am at right now. I am learning to be a jar of clay, without title, without agenda, seeking God's will for me daily and His wisdom for me when I have none of my own. My hours this year will be filled with serving my family, my home, growing myself in the Lord, and ministering to the people He brings into my life. No formal ministry. No job. Only learning to follow Christ in humbleness. It's "funny" how this is the conclusion of all of my searching for where God wants me: year after year, the same conclusion, but with new depth of understanding. This has been a crazy hard month, but I am so so filled with joy and excitement of how much God loves me and wants to use me...for His glory.
