I tend to write things in the positive, such as thank goodness Little Boy is no longer banging his head every night. Or Little Girl hasn't had a potty accident in 3 months! But although I am fatally (probably) optimistic, the transition of helping these two precious kids become a healthy and settled part of our family has been at times exhausting and had us at our wit's end. Just like normal parenting, you can't really "get it" until you live it. There is no way to really fully prepare a newly first-time pregnant couple for what parenting will be like. But since most parents "get it" when I say kids are terrible and a ton of work (image of poop, tantrums, never a moment's peace, etc.), but totally worth it (image of little hands turning your cheek so they can press little nose to yours, or little sweet sleeping angel faces and puppy breath, etc.), so you may also be able to understand when I say that foster kids are typically MORE terrible and MORE work and even MORE (if possible?!) worth it. And I guess by more worth it, I mean that the return on the investment is greater.
With your own child, you take for granted that they will be well-nourished, well-mannered, well-loved, and thriving. God makes no promises that they will become the kind of adults you are raising them to be, but you do tend to assume that since He gave them to you, they will inherit these blessings from you. With foster kids, there is no such assumption. They may have been removed from horror. They may have been starved, and beaten, and abused in every possible way, as mine were. And so when you see them love, and laugh, and grow out of animal-like frenzy into calm, confident belonging, the reward, the WORTH is so much more felt than with the children you bore who had love and laugher and belonging as a birthright.
I received an email this week from one of the nurses who was so touched by Little Boy and Little Girl when they arrived, emaciated and broken, at the Children's Hospital last November. She and her team fed and nursed them back to health for five weeks before the day that I arrived to bring them home. During that five weeks, as the nurses shared with their communities and churches the story of these two little survivors, support pored in, so much so that when I picked them up to bring them home, I could not fit all of the clothes and toys that had been donated to them in my van. These nurses were TOUCHED by the story of Little Boy and Little Girl. And this week, the head nurse emailed me to ask how they were. I sent her two pictures and a short video:
Just as a reminder, this is what they looked like just NINE months ago today (Little Girl was 4 years old, but developmentally 2 years old, still wearing diapers. Little Boy was 3, but developmentally 12-18 months old, not walking, not talking):
And this was her response:
Thank you for the update and the pics!!! We are so happy they are still with you all and are doing so well. It brought tears to my eyes seeing them so happy and full of life! I love those chubby cheeks and smiles! God bless you all!It is just a reminder to me that our daily reality is part of a bigger story of the Kingdom of God coming true on this earth. And, before I make us sound too holy (too late?!), I need you to know that we are no such thing, but rather ordinary sinners who said yes to Jesus and to love the orphans like He does. AND WE DO NOT DO IT ALONE! I get the comment pretty frequently, "I don't know how you do it!" Well, let me tell you...God provides! It takes a village and we have a village.
When I was exclusively a stay at home mom, when Isaac and Abby were little, I loved it, but also often felt trapped in my home. Now that I work part time, I feel like I have the best of both worlds...availability for my kids (my best first work), and freedom to think and work on something other than my kids! I did not want to give that up! God provided us with a nanny, something that was never an option for us before, but my work income is enough to cover the cost of having her help roughly 20 hours a week. She is wonderful and knows and loves these babies as much as I do. Having her around when I need to go to work, or have a date with Adel, or take the big kids out to give them some special time with mom and dad, has been life-giving for us. She is a huge part of my village and her name is Suzanne.
But my village has more. The foster siblings are placed in a loving family just 15 minutes from our house. Our two families quickly became extended family, by necessity, but also by mutual respect and love. I tell Tina, the foster mom, often how thankful I am for her. Not all foster parents are the same, and we are so thankful to have extended family that is very similar to us in the way we live parent. She and I always have each other's back when it comes to helping transport all 5 of our foster kiddos to their various appointments. She is part of my village and together we make it work.
This is our new extended family (minus Adel and my big kids!).
But my village has more. I have three dear friends who have completed all of the requirements so that they can watch my kids at any time that Suzanne is not available. Life giving. I have a lady who comes twice a month to mow our lawn and once a month to clean our house because, while those things were hard to get to before foster kids, they are next to impossible now. Life giving. This lady loves my kids and their story too, and has brought gifts to them on several occasions. (And before you start thinking we are just rolling in dough to afford this kind of life, let me share with you a previous provision of God's for us. Last year, 6 months before we said yes to Little Boy and Little Girl, God moved Adel into leading his family into a smaller home. We cut out more than a thousand square feet of living space representing roughly one-third of our home size, and downsized our bills so that we would have the freedom of space in our time and wallet to say this big YES. I was so against the downsizing at first, but am so very thankful to God and Adel now that we are so well provided for with more than enough space in every possible way for the YES that we have said.)
My village also has the ladies I work with who were so compassionate to me as I was in that hard waiting-for-the-nanny-to-get-foster-clearance, working-from-home, juggling-traumatized-foster-kids-and-work-responsiblities stage. They have continued to support and love me and my kids (all four of them) as we grow together. Life giving. My village has my extended family that has bravely taken on the risk of heart-break with me as they have said YES to love on these children as if they had always been ours, even though we still do not know with certainty that we will get to keep them. Life giving. And, my village has friends who have loved me enough to not see or hear from me for the past nine months, but to still be there for me when I need them. Life giving. My village includes the volunteers in the PeeWee ministry at church who love on my kids and have helped them love church, and now their new preschool teachers too. I have one friend who drives Isaac to school every morning, and another friend who brings him home. I have the daughter of a friend of mine who comes every Sunday after church to play with my kids when I'm tired from working hard all morning with kids at church. Life giving.
I love my village. And that is the answer to the question implied in "I don't know how you do it." My hope now is to help others say that big, brave YES. I would love to be a part of a village that supports other families that say yes to providing love and laughter and belonging to kids who need it. We will see where God takes this desire of my heart. Until then, we will press on.
Our court date was extended from November to May, which gives time for birth-mom to accept a plea bargain in the criminal abuse case against her, admitting guilt, and having her rights automatically terminated. It also gives time for CPS to investigate birth-dad's history of abandonment, abuse, and domestic violence, hopefully building an airtight case for termination of parental rights. Please consider taking a moment to pray for that, for the sake of Little Boy and Little Girl. So, until May, we press on in loving and laughing and belonging together!
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