A Little Taste of Heaven

After having a good Thanksgiving with family, I hit an emotional wall when I got home and was hit  hard with grief for my dad and my loss.  It's shocking how strength of faith can be so quickly swept away by despair and grief.  And it is such a good reminder of how important it is to be in the word daily, and to surround ourselves with wise people who can point us back to the truth.

My despair sounded something like this:

I have been so privileged and sheltered all my life.  I have been loved by wonderful parents.  I have been blessed with good friends everywhere I go.  I have every material thing I need and then some.  This is my first real loss.  That should make me thankful.  But I just felt angry...angry that I had spent 35 years of life in a bubble when loss is so real...angry that I have built my life around the blessings of this world: family, home, love, comfort...when they are breakable and temporary.  What is the point of building up this life when it cannot last?  It made me consider the merits of moving to Africa to serve and suffer with the dying.  In many ways, that seems more real than the life I live now. 

Not my proudest moment, I admit, but this is real life. And even in those thoughts, my despair was not without hope.  Hope is the gift our church is focusing on this week, with other churches around the world, as we celebrate Advent.  Even in my despair, I have hope that God will keep His promises to redeem this broken world, heal my heart, and bring me and all believers into His perfect world, where we will experience true joy, and hurt no more.  But my hope in the last few days has been a joyless hope, a still-despairing hope for a promised gift that I have not yet attained.

Usually, when I am struggling with something, God lets me stew for a while and then gives me an insight through His word that helps redirect my crooked thinking.  This time, He chose to cut the wait short, and speak straight to me through the words of my friend Shannon:

Our 'charmed' lives actually do depict 'real' life, a morsel of what God intends life to be.  We are that light on a hill, and in my opinion, we reflect a glimmer of God's truly abundant love, protection, and provision.  My desire to serve is driven by the realization that God, in His love, has spoiled me rotten, and I so desperately want to pay Him back in some way because I am not worthy of it.  I am horribly, horribly unworthy and sinful.  Yet He continues to love me and bless me with His joy, presence, finances, and protection instead of giving me what I truly deserve.  I am living out the gospel by having such a 'charmed' life, and I forget this connection all of the time!  Instead of being profoundly thankful and lavishing myself in His love and blessings, I find myself feeling uncomfortable that I should be so 'comfortable'.   I find myself holding tightly to these moments in my life because I like to be comfortable and I know things can't stay this way forever.   Instead, I should be like that child that has been up to this point unaffected by the world and be immensely joyful in the moment.  I should be purposeful in trusting God every step of the way, and prayerful that unbelievers might look at God's love and protection in my life and be drawn to Him by it.  I should serve out of a deep and sincere thankfulness, with the desire to share His goodness and blessings in all areas of my life with others and be giddy and excited along the way like a child.  I should be free in giving everything He has given to me with a joyful heart knowing they are all His anyway.  I should mourn when the prince of this world overcomes flesh and appears to win.  The older I get, the more I truly hate this world.  The older I get, the more I see how cruel and terrible this world, and it literally makes me sick.  But I need to remind myself that because of the Hope we have in Jesus, this world does not reflect 'real life'.  Real life is a piece of God's kingdom here on earth.  Real life is blessing and protection from the world.  Satan wants us to think that not experiencing serious pain is 'fake', but my friend, it is very real.  You having had an earthly father that loves you to pieces is very much real, and it shows the rest of Satan's world the light of the glory of God in an otherwise very dark world.  We do not live fake lives, we live real lives.  And until God calls you to Africa on mission, you need to know that God's blessings on your family has drawn a countless number of people  to Jesus because they are drawn to the light, which is reflected by seeing a morsel of God's kingdom here on earth.

God kept Shannon up in the middle of the night so she could give those words to me.  And what a gift they were!  And how important it is to have people who can speak truth into our lives and our struggles!  In my despair, I had forgotten that my happy marriage, my innocent children, my loving parents, my material blessings, are all God's gift to me, a little taste of heaven.  This life, this happiness, this peace, this blessing, is but a shadow and reflection of the true happiness, peace, and blessing to come that will never cease.  And it is good.  This blessed life is good.  It is to be the lamp on a hill to my heart and to others around me that there is hope in Jesus, that God is indeed good.  

This truth corrected my heart in two ways.  First, God reminded me of the spiritual discipline of JOY. What a fun discipline!  It is when we celebrate and worship God through enjoying the blessings He has given us.  My favorite book that helped me learn this concept is The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg.  Second, these blessings are not for me to keep to myself.  I am to share them all so that others may be blessed by God through me.  

Maybe a trip to Africa is in my future.  But if it is, I pray it will be born from an outpouring of Joy for my blessings rather than from anger and despair at my loss.  For now, for today, my heart feels renewed to care for my home, to love on my family, and to invite others in to share our blessings.  Thank You, God, for this little taste of heaven.