Interveners

Adel and I met with a lawyer on Friday.  This is not something we ever pictured ourselves doing.  But since so many people have advised us to intervene now that our case is going in bio dad's favor, we thought we would at least interview a lawyer to see what it would gain for us. The lawyer we picked is a good friend to the main judge of our court and is very familiar with the associate judge that is so unreasonable and the bio dad's lawyer that is so aggressive. He is not scared or worried about handling either of them and seemed extremely confident that he could win, though no guarantees.  He outlined his attack plan and it is exactly what we would want to see happen. 

If we hire him, we will be legally inserted into the case as interveners to protect the kids.  Our lawyer would basically take up the position of character assassination for the bio dad, using every reason we have ever discussed (abandonment of these kids,  a history of abandonment of other kids, lack of child support, lack of steady income, questionable relationship with new wife who was 15 when she conceived their first child when he was 30...) as part of showing the jury that he is not a fit parent.  Then he would contrast with us who at that point would have had the kids in our home for nearly a year and a half.  Representing the intervener, he can demand the trial be removed from the associate judge that we don't like and put it back under the superior judge. He also was confident that he could assure us of a jury trial which would greatly benefit us.  

We have prayed about this all weekend and talked to several friends who have been in similar situations.  In the end, we both agreed that we feel God is calling us to step in as parents for B&J, that He has given us the resources to do it, and that He has given us the children to protect.  We feel we would be lacking in this calling if we didn't intervene and use our finances to legally insert our rights to protect them into the trial.  We plan to hire this lawyer because we believe that he has the best chance of changing the outcome of this trial.  

Let me assure you that we do not make this decision lightly.  It is a huge financial investment in a process we are not guaranteed to win.  But one thing we have grown to realize is that these kids (all foster kids) are at the mercy of a broken system.  Our case in particular is especially broken because the judge is so unwilling to hear what is in the best interest of the kids and the bio dad's attorney is so vicious.  In this broken system, we have been made victims along with the kids, at the whim and will of CPS and the judge.  Once we use our finances to insert ourselves into the case, we suddenly have power and influence and are no longer helpless.  And if we do it on behalf of saving the kids what we believe will be heartbreak and suffering, that power and influence is well used!  We have wrestled with whether it is right to use this power to influence the court to take away a father's rights and we believe we have grounds to do so given the situation.  We also believe that though we can't possibly save all the children in situations like this, God put these particular children into our home so that He could use us to save them.  And when Adel questioned out loud, is it right to give up so much for kids that may never be grateful for the sacrifice, we just thought of Christ's sacrifice for us and that settled it. 

Please continue to pray for us and for this case.  We have definitely felt your prayers, especially because it is very clear that God is unfolding this path before us and we are just following each step as he lays it out.  Although we feel very confident in our victory I am of course still nervous that we will fail.  If we fail, we can trust we did what we believed God called us to do and again we will ask you to pray us through our grief.  But until that day, we ask you to join us in praying for victory!

Please Pray For Us!

This Thursday is a big day in court for us.  It is the status hearing before the final court date which is set for April.  On one hand things are going really well for us.  The stepdad is in jail and the biological mom is awaiting her trial for criminal child abuse.  No one is very worried that they will regain custody of the kids.

The biological dad had not been a threat because he didn't have a home for CPS to investigate.  But in late November, he secured government housing.  That's when things started changing.  Family therapy was added to his 4-hour visit per month with the kids.  And an additional over-the-phone family therapy was added between his monthly visits.  Then, at the court hearing in January, he was granted 2 phone calls with the kids per week.  Last Friday, the CPS worker told us there was a very real chance the kids would be sent to live with him.

When we first said yes to fostering children, I told God that I trusted Him with my broken heart.  And I still do.  Knowing how He has helped me through heartbreak before makes me know I will be okay even if the worst case scenario happens, and The Littles leave our home forever.  I will grieve.  Absolutely I will grieve, but it will not be despair.   I will not be lost.  This is why I knew I could say yes to this in the first place.

Right now, I keep getting up in the morning and being the MOST AMAZING MOM (it's a choice) to these precious little ones because right now, we are family.  When the waves of anxiety over their future (or mine without them) hit me, I choose to let them wash over me instead of letting them sink in.  And that's how we keep going and will continue to do until the day we get to adopt them or the day they are removed from our home.

And until that day, we pray.  We pray because it is our best weapon and shield.  My prayer is pretty much on repeat:  God, I know You love them and I know You love me.  I know you are in control.  I will follow You wherever You lead me; I trust You with my broken heart. But I still can't see how it could be best for them or for us if they were to be pulled away from the family they love and the place they call home to a place of instability and disfunction.  Not after what they've already been through!  Not after how far they've come!  Please intervene and let them stay here!  And repeat.  I know God, as our good good Father, wants to hear the desires of our hearts.  Many times a day I tell him the desire of my heart for these little ones and then I wrap his peace around me because I know that He will see me through whatever comes.

Recently in small group, we read and discussed Christ's death on the cross, how his seeming weakness at allowing himself to be abused and killed was actually his strength.  He is the God of the universe, after all, and could easily have destroyed his enemies.  Instead, through strength of will, he submitted to them so that by his strength, we could be saved. There have been so many times in the last couple of months that I have felt so weak or abused.  (How can CPS treat me this way after all that I have done for these little ones?).  When I am feeling abused, used, mistreated, and weak, I remember his strength on the cross.  I remember his seeming weakness that was truly strength to save, that endured abuse, injustice, and spite - or worse, indifference - for who he was or what he had done for his abusers.  And every time, I say to myself: my weakness is His strength.  

This doesn't mean I am strong.  This doesn't mean I can fix the situation.  But it does mean that His strength can shine through me as I set aside my schedule to make a phone call to a dad that sometimes doesn't bother to answer.  My weakness is His strength.   His strength can shine through me as I listen to CPS tell me there is a very good chance my precious little ones will be sent to live with a man they didn't even know before they came to live with me.  My weakness is His strength.  His strength can shine through as I snuggle JJ into bed every night, loving every precious moment with him and the joy I get from how he has learned to love and be loved, and the sadness of knowing that would all be lost for him as well as me if he were to leave.  My weakness is His strength.  His strength can shine through as I engage Briana in a power struggle that we both know is not really about us, but about her fear over what is going to happen to her if she leaves and her grief at the thought of missing me so much.  My weakness is His strength.  His strength can shine through as I help Isaac and Abby through their own anxiety and grief by pointing them to him because that's the only thing we can do.  My weakness is His strength.  I have to say it to myself in every hard situation because remembering his strength is the only way to walk into my own weakness.

Friends, it is not easy!  He never promised it would be!  He only promised never to leave me or forsake me.  And because of that, I have the strength to wake up and do it again tomorrow.  In weakness, I am asking our friends and family to join us in our prayer that God would intervene on behalf of our little ones, that He would make a way for us to be their forever family, to get the joy of seeing their lives completely redeemed from what they have suffered.  For nothing is impossible with Him and oh how He loves us!  Amen, Amen, Amen!

9 Months! And My Village

(Sorry, for those whom I have already told we are at 10 months...I guess I was rounding up.  Not really.  I really am just terrible keeping track of numbers.)  We are at NINE months with the babies now!

I tend to write things in the positive, such as thank goodness Little Boy is no longer banging his head every night.  Or Little Girl hasn't had a potty accident in 3 months!  But although I am fatally (probably) optimistic, the transition of helping these two precious kids become a healthy and settled part of our family has been at times exhausting and had us at our wit's end.  Just like normal parenting, you can't really "get it" until you live it.  There is no way to really fully prepare a newly first-time pregnant couple for what parenting will be like.  But since most parents "get it" when I say kids are terrible and a ton of work (image of poop, tantrums, never a moment's peace, etc.), but totally worth it (image of little hands turning your cheek so they can press little nose to yours, or little sweet sleeping angel faces and puppy breath, etc.), so you may also be able to understand when I say that foster kids are typically MORE terrible and MORE work and even MORE (if possible?!) worth it. And I guess by more worth it, I mean that the return on the investment is greater.

With your own child, you take for granted that they will be well-nourished, well-mannered, well-loved, and thriving.  God makes no promises that they will become the kind of adults you are raising them to be, but you do tend to assume that since He gave them to you, they will inherit these blessings from you.  With foster kids, there is no such assumption.  They may have been removed from horror.  They may have been starved, and beaten, and abused in every possible way, as mine were.  And so when you see them love, and laugh, and grow out of animal-like frenzy into calm, confident belonging, the reward, the WORTH is so much more felt than with the children you bore who had love and laugher and belonging as a birthright.

I received an email this week from one of the nurses who was so touched by Little Boy and Little Girl when they arrived, emaciated and broken, at the Children's Hospital last November.  She and her team fed and nursed them back to health for five weeks before the day that I arrived to bring them home.  During that five weeks, as the nurses shared with their communities and churches the story of these two little survivors, support pored in, so much so that when I picked them up to bring them home, I could not fit all of the clothes and toys that had been donated to them in my van.  These nurses were TOUCHED by the story of Little Boy and Little Girl.  And this week, the head nurse emailed me to ask how they were.  I sent her two pictures and a short video:

Just as a reminder, this is what they looked like just NINE months ago today (Little Girl was 4 years old, but developmentally 2 years old, still wearing diapers.  Little Boy was 3, but developmentally 12-18 months old, not walking, not talking):

And this was her response:

Thank you for the update and the pics!!!  We are so happy they are still with you all and are doing so well.  It brought tears to my eyes seeing them so happy and full of life!  I love those chubby cheeks and smiles!  God bless you all!

It is just a reminder to me that our daily reality is part of a bigger story of the Kingdom of God coming true on this earth.  And, before I make us sound too holy (too late?!), I need you to know that we are no such thing, but rather ordinary sinners who said yes to Jesus and to love the orphans like He does.  AND WE DO NOT DO IT ALONE!  I get the comment pretty frequently, "I don't know how you do it!"  Well, let me tell you...God provides!  It takes a village and we have a village.

When I was exclusively a stay at home mom, when Isaac and Abby were little, I loved it, but also often felt trapped in my home.  Now that I work part time, I feel like I have the best of both worlds...availability for my kids (my best first work), and freedom to think and work on something other than my kids!  I did not want to give that up!  God provided us with a nanny, something that was never an option for us before, but my work income is enough to cover the cost of having her help roughly 20 hours a week.  She is wonderful and knows and loves these babies as much as I do.  Having her around when I need to go to work, or have a date with Adel, or take the big kids out to give them some special time with mom and dad, has been life-giving for us.  She is a huge part of my village and her name is Suzanne.

But my village has more.  The foster siblings are placed in a loving family just 15 minutes from our house.  Our two families quickly became extended family, by necessity, but also by mutual respect and love.  I tell Tina, the foster mom, often how thankful I am for her.  Not all foster parents are the same, and we are so thankful to have extended family that is very similar to us in the way we live parent.  She and I always have each other's back when it comes to helping transport all 5 of our foster kiddos to their various appointments.  She is part of my village and together we make it work.

This is our new extended family (minus Adel and my big kids!).

But my village has more.  I have three dear friends who have completed all of the requirements so that they can watch my kids at any time that Suzanne is not available.  Life giving.  I have a lady who comes twice a month to mow our lawn and once a month to clean our house because, while those things were hard to get to before foster kids, they are next to impossible now.  Life giving.  This lady loves my kids and their story too, and has brought gifts to them on several occasions.  (And before you start thinking we are just rolling in dough to afford this kind of life, let me share with you a previous provision of God's for us.  Last year, 6 months before we said yes to Little Boy and Little Girl, God moved Adel into leading his family into a smaller home.  We cut out more than a thousand square feet of living space representing roughly one-third of our home size, and downsized our bills so that we would have the freedom of space in our time and wallet to say this big YES.  I was so against the downsizing at first, but am so very thankful to God and Adel now that we are so well provided for with more than enough space in every possible way for the YES that we have said.)

My village also has the ladies I work with who were so compassionate to me as I was in that hard waiting-for-the-nanny-to-get-foster-clearance, working-from-home, juggling-traumatized-foster-kids-and-work-responsiblities stage. They have continued to support and love me and my kids (all four of them) as we grow together.  Life giving.  My village has my extended family that has bravely taken on the risk of heart-break with me as they have said YES to love on these children as if they had always been ours, even though we still do not know with certainty that we will get to keep them.  Life giving.  And, my village has friends who have loved me enough to not see or hear from me for the past nine months, but to still be there for me when I need them.  Life giving.  My village includes the volunteers in the PeeWee ministry at church who love on my kids and have helped them love church, and now their new preschool teachers too.  I have one friend who drives Isaac to school every morning, and another friend who brings him home.   I have the daughter of a friend of mine who comes every Sunday after church to play with my kids when I'm tired from working hard all morning with kids at church. Life giving.

I love my village.  And that is the answer to the question implied in "I don't know how you do it."  My hope now is to help others say that big, brave YES.  I would love to be a part of a village that supports other families that say yes to providing love and laughter and belonging to kids who need it. We will see where God takes this desire of my heart.  Until then, we will press on.

Our court date was extended from November to May, which gives time for birth-mom to accept a plea bargain in the criminal abuse case against her, admitting guilt, and having her rights automatically terminated.  It also gives time for CPS to investigate birth-dad's history of abandonment, abuse, and domestic violence, hopefully building an airtight case for termination of parental rights.  Please consider taking a moment to pray for that, for the sake of Little Boy and Little Girl.  So, until May, we press on in loving and laughing and belonging together!
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Four Months

I can't believe that we passed the four month mark last weekend.  I am amazed and excited to carve out a moment to celebrate small victories.  I realized recently that things are going more smoothly because we have battled for (and sometimes with) the babies in order to get them to where our family functions well.  Where we used to have to correct and explain our expectations for their behavior for every little thing, now these behaviors have become just what we do! Here are some of our wins that used to battle through and are now just living into:

• Not eating soap (baby girl...power struggle at its peak)
• Using condiments like sour cream and ranch for dipping, not eating with your fingers (both)
• Brushing teeth willingly (baby boy)
• Establishing a bedtime routine (both)
• That there will always be food (but parents decide what we eat, and when) (both)
• Delayed gratification (eat this before you get that) (baby boy)
• Leaving milk at the table (no more walking around with sippy cups!) (baby boy)
• Potty training completed! (baby girl)
• Staying in bed at night (baby girl)
• Staying seating until done eating, asking to be excused (baby girl)
• No more violent fits (baby girl)
• Love of books! (both)
• Lessening anxiety with the comings and goings of family (especially mommy) (both)
• No longer gorging (baby boy)
• Loving church (both)
• Letting mommy have a few moments to herself for a shower (both)
• Helping clean up (both)
• Clicking carseat belts (baby girl)
• Keeping outside toys outside (baby boy)

Many of these do not seem important but when I think back to the intentionality of our interactions with the babies and how they are now living into these expectations, I am so excited to see evidence that our hard work is paying off.  And the more battles we win, the less time we spend battling, which is so much better!  Here are a few more milestones to celebrate:


Baby Boy
He finally got the doctor's orders to be taken off liquid thickener, which means he can drink normal milk and water and saves us the step of adding a thickening agent to his drinks.  He has grown!!! He is almost 2 inches taller now than when he first came to our house! He used to look (and function) like a 1 year old baby but now with his full head of hair, his thickened limbs, and his added height, he is looking more like a solid 2 year old.  He is actually 3 years old so he has a ways to catch up, but the progress seems rapid. Just today we went to our last scheduled doctor's appointment for a month! (I just counted and between the two babies, I have taken them to over 20 doctors' appointments...yikes!...and so glad to have it slowed to just a few follow up appointments in the upcoming months).  The appointment today was to look at his skin to see if he needs any treatment for the discolored patches, but the dermatologist said they are just healing scars and no treatment or follow up is needed.  They have already faded so much that they are barely noticeable (especially since he has nice thick hair now!).

His language skills continue to improve (although I am still looked to by others to interpret much of the time).  He has down his shapes, animals, animal sounds, and is now stringing together 3-4 word phrases.  This boy loves walking up in the morning and snuggling with mommy (I love it too).  His laugh is the best sound the world has ever heard and he uses it frequently.  He loves to be mischievous, running away when called (laughing), tossing toys in the sink (laughing), sticking his fingers up my nose (laughing).  He is always on the move and does not like to sit still (which is why the morning snuggles are so special).  My favorite new thing with Baby Boy is checking on him after he has fallen asleep at night.  He used to sleep on his knees in a fetal position but now when I check on him, he will be laying on his back, head on his pillow, and he has pulled his blanket up over his legs.  He is looks and acts, waking or sleeping, like a normal, happy child and it is a joy to see.  This Saturday we went to the zoo and as we watched him run around the splash pad (laughing), I said to Adel, "Five months ago, that baby boy was starving to death."  The four months in our home plus one prior month in the hospital has altered the course of his life in a drastic way.  He is an amazing little miracle and I am so very thankful for him.

Our next things to work on with him are:

• drinking out of a big kid cup
• sleeping in a big boy bed
• potty training (ugh)

Baby Girl
She likewise is growing and looking a little closer her age.  She is now in the 4 year old class at preschool because she has mastered potty training.  No more accidents!  She is a little behind in find motor skills and speech but is learning to draw simple figures and talks all day long (so I'm really not worried about speech).  She truly loves books and could be read to all day long.  She is very snuggly and could also be held all day long and never grow tired of it.

She is the most challenging child under our roof, very similar to the girl in the nursery rhyme:

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead

When she was good, she was very very good

And when she was bad, she was horrid

Describing a child as horrid is pretty extreme, so let's just say she is fully committed to whatever emotion she is feeling!  But, as we are battling about fewer and fewer things, we are having more and more enjoyable moments.  

The Rest of Us
Adel is working extremely hard right now, taking 2 classes in his Master's program and then coming home from work and being a fantastic dad of 4.  What a busy season we are in!  We have had a few  lunch dates since the babies arrived so we're doing our best to stay connected.

I am getting pretty worn out!  For the first month or so of having the babies, I did not have time or wherewithal to spend in God's Word, but the last few months I have been waking up early to read a devotional during my bath time and I'm reading my bible while the babies sand I eat breakfast.  It's not as quiet and peaceful as I'd like my "quiet time" to be, but God still speaks and His Word continues to encourage me.  I am so thankful that I was able to sign up for the YMCA this week so that I can start working out and having time to read while the little ones are in the child watch playing their hearts out.  It will be good for them and good for me! 

The big kids are hanging in there.  We have been taking as many opportunities as we can to have little  one-on-one dates with the big kids.  The grocery store, lunch at school, running errands...we just always bring a big kid along so that we can have special time with them.

The Case
Still no news.  A few big dates coming up in May, although I'm really not expecting progress to be made for a long time to come.  Please continue to pray with us that this can be a forever home for these babies!

What a Great Weekend!

Two years ago yesterday was when I watched my dad take his last breath.  It was a holy moment and a bittersweet moment.  In anticipation of it's anniversary, for a few weeks prior, I had been sinking into a depression, my mind focusing on the awful emotional journey that brought us to his deathbed.  And there is no doubt that death sucks and grief sucks.  There's no sugar coating it.  

Nontheless, God is good.  He walked with me through those awful days two years ago.  He walked with me all that first year of grief.  He has walked with me again as I have relived painful memories.  And He walks me right on through to the other side of grief.  Into and out of the valley of the shadow of death every time.  This weekend turned out to be beautiful and was filled with some of my favorite people.  

Started with a good 10k race with Jen, Josie, and Uncle Joe.

 Then, a pumpkin patch and fun time hanging with family at Dd's house.

Ended with a bike ride (3.5 miles each way) to Kemah!

God is good. 

Grief and Rejoicing

For many years, I have rattled off "Jesus wept" as the shortest verse in the bible (John 11:35), mostly as an irrelevant bible factoid to wow people with my biblical knowledge.  Me: "Hey, did you know that 'Jesus wept' is the shortest verse in the bible?"  Them: "Wow."  Something like that.

I have often thought of that verse with comfort.  I found it especially comforting since I entered a season of grief two years ago when my dad passed away, a season that I believe will continually change and get easier to bear though it never really ends (I think we can never stop missing one we love so dearly).  It comforts me that even Jesus, who understood God's plan better than anyone, still wept at the death of a friend.  It tells me that my grief is right and good, even in light of God's receptive promise of eternity.

A short while ago, in reading the book of 1 Thessalonians, I came across another "shortest verse in the bible: "Rejoice always" (5:16).  This one at first glance caught my attention because I had believed that "Jesus wept" stood alone as the shortest verse in the bible.  Clearly I was wrong.  But what kept my attention beyond that first realization was the contrast between both two-word verses: Jesus wept, Rejoice always.  They seem to contradict one another.

Like so many things in the bible, these two verses could give fodder to those who seek to discredit the bible based on seeming contradiction.  Or for someone like me, ready to believe all the bible teaches, they can at least confuse.  How can we rejoice always when clearly grief is so real and so painful that even the Son of God grieved?  This is a concept I have been struggling through the past two years and I believe I am beginning to understand.  Grief and Rejoicing.

The first piece of it is that grief is right and good.  It is not a lack of faith in God's promise.  It is a response of love for the one we have lost.  It is even a command: "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep" (Romans 12:15).  Again, weeping and rejoicing smashed together in God's word.

The struggle for me at this point in my life has more been on the rejoicing end of the spectrum.  There are so many things that are easy to rejoice in: the beauty in nature, the laughter of children, the love of a good man, conversation with like-minded friends, delicious food.  But what about those days that are swamped with hard things, with wave after wave of brokenness and bad news?  There are those days too and what do I do with the other shortest verse in the bible: "Rejoice always"?

I believe God gave me a glimpse of this right after my dad's death when I read Joshua chapter 1.  God gives a command to Joshua to be strong and courageous as he enters the battles of the Promised Land.  I have heard verse nine quoted many times: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  People find comfort in God's promise to be with His people.  But what struck me the most was what God told Joshua in verse three: "Every place that the sole of your foot will tread upon I have given to you, just as I promised to Moses." "I have given to you."  Joshua hasn't even entered the land yet, but God claims to have already given it to Him, and He asks Joshua to proceed as if the gift has already been received.

This is how God works.  He speaks a promise and asks us to rejoice as if we've already received it because, Believers, we have.  Though grief and brokenness surrounds us, our God has promised victory and healing and joy that will cover it all.  He commands us in faith to rejoice always, even in suffering because by faith His word is as good as true although we have not yet received it.  We can rejoice in our grief because we have faith in His promise.

This Sunday, the message challenged us in the midst of a broken world to "live into the promise," and that is exactly what "Rejoice always" means in light of "Jesus wept."  When I am overwhelmed with troubles and grief, I can lift my eyes above it to the promise of everything restored, everything made right, and rejoice in the God who loves us so much that He can turn our weeping into rejoicing.

The Waiting Place

2015 has been a waiting place for me.  I don't know about you, but I don't like waiting places.  After Matthew moved back to his birth mom in January, we decided to wait until Adel started his second semester of his Master's courses before we tried to find a new possible foster match for us.  Then, right about the time we would have been open to foster kids again, we followed God's undeniable call on us to move and downsize.

That move has been a huge blessing and we love our new home and our new neighborhood.  Contrary to what I thought before we moved, I feel that our new home is actually better equipped for our future kids than our old home was.  After feverishly getting settled from our move, we waited until Abby felt settled and happy in her new school.  Now we are waiting until our family (grandparents, my mom, and my sister's family) goes on the cruise we have booked for Thanksgiving week (yay!).

I had not realized how much I was just going through the motions of my walk with God until a few weeks ago, and until more of the pieces dropped together this morning. A few weeks ago, I noticed my relationships with others were out of whack.  Greater still, I noticed a great longing in me that I can only describe as the awareness of a disconnect with God.  Not that He had left me, but that I had strayed, ever so subtly from intimacy with Him.  I began to slow, to not just rush through the morning reading of His word, but to seek, longingly for His message to my heart.

I have walked on both sides of that narrow path so often, between the mindless legalism of spiritual routine and the passionate communing with a personal God, that now it is much easier for me to see and feel the difference, at least once I'm back in line with Him. As I began to truly, prayerfully seek Him, He drew near to me again and has been slowly opening my eyes to the way He sees my circumstances and my heart.

His message to me started with a Sunday message about work and just going through the motions rather than working for the Lord.  Yep, doing that.  The Sunday following that one, I felt like I did when I was newly hired to run the children's ministry: humble and aware that it was much bigger than I could ever manage, ready to simply let His love flow through me to the parents, volunteers, and kids who crossed my path.

Then He gave me a clue in my morning devotional time.  I am in the not-so-interesting part of the book of Joshua, where the land is being divided up between the tribes (yawn).  As unlikely as a personal message could be found there, God spoke.  Joshua 17:14-18.  The children of Joseph are whining to Joshua about their puny inheritance since they were "a great people" (Their words. In other translations it is "numerous" people, but "great" is so much more fun to make fun of).  Joshua tells them If they are a "great people," and if the mountains they inherit are not enough for them, they can have any land they can win from the Canaanites in the valley.  With his use of if, I feel a little eye-rolling in his reply.

The children of Joseph then tell Joshua that the Canaanites of the valley have chariots of IRON.  Maybe it's because I have kids, but this sounds so whiny to me!  I hear them in a whiny voice: "But Joshuaaaaaa, they have chariots of IRON!"  In their defense, as foot soldiers, I can see that chariots of iron would be pretty scary.  Joseph's response to them is that they can have more land for their numerous tribe: "but the hill country shall be yours, for though it is a forest, you shall clear it and possess it to its farthest borders. For you shall drive out the Canaanites, though they have chariots of iron, and though they are strong.” (Joshua 17:18).  In his response, which simply repeats his first command to them (as any good parent of whiny kids would do), Joshua tells them to get down into the valley and face the chariots of iron.

As I read this, I noticed the exchange as unique among all the land-distributing that was going on.  This was exceptional because Joshua was requiring the children of Joseph to fight for their own land against a formidable foe.  As much as they sound a bit like whiney-behiney's I felt that they had a decent claim to whine.  Why was everyone else handed land already conquered and this tribe had to fight on foot against iron chariots to claim their promise?  That's where I left it, just a mental note in my morning reading, until my devotional reading today brought it all home.

This morning I was reading My Utmost for His Highest, a daily devotional by Oswald Chambers.  Today was one where God used Chambers' words to reach out and squeeze my soul.

What first caught my attention with this devotional was that it describes the difference between the soaring mountaintop experiences with Christ, and the daily drudge through the valley of humiliation.
The second thing that caught my eye was that it was about a passage God had used to speak to be a year ago (see Christ's Mission, which is kind of hilarious...or humiliating...because it's pretty much the same message as I received today).  But what really grabbed my soul was when it asked, "what about the thing that is a humiliation to you right now?" I thought about it for a moment and then, wham, I realized my humiliation was my waiting place.

When you make a big mountaintop announcement like, "we're going to adopt" and then you don't...for a year...and the foster workers are wondering if you're really in it, and friends you know who started after you are getting placed with children before you, and there's so much uncertainty and doubt about the calling and the future of this crazy plan, I'd say that's humiliation.  I don't mean, and I don't think Chambers means, humiliation as in embarrassment.  Rather I mean it in the sense of knock-you-to-your-knees humbling.  The waiting place is humbling.

But the waiting place is what it's all about.  As Chambers says, "The height of the mountaintop is measured by the dismal drudgery of the valley, but it is in the valley that we have to live for the glory of God."   Yes!  And how that helps my heart while in the waiting place and the drudgery days.  This is the living out of the calling, the waiting and the working and the struggling toward the mountaintop vision.

That's when God brought me back to the passage in Joshua 17.  The children of Joseph are me!  Given the vision and carried only so far as the border of their inheritance, they have to work to gain the promise while others are given their promise before them.  Like them, I have been grumbling about the work of trudging through the valley, of packing and unpacking during a move, of Master's classes and ministry challenges and foster training classes, of waiting for the right time to claim the vision God had given me.  And, ugh, how much have I thought myself "great" that I should expect God to deliver the right children to our family at the time of my choosing?

As if to knock it all home, while I was even writing these words, God struck me through the words of a song that's playing on the radio (Abide by Jenny and Tyler): "The labor of God is to trust in the Son."  I have been wanting so much to get to the labor that God has set before me of adopting children that I have forgotten and forsaken the true labor of God, simply trusting in the Son.

What a beautiful and empowering reminder to trust in the Son in the valley of waiting.  Do I trust Him with the vision, with the timing, with my family, my hopes and dreams?  Do I trust that He has me right where He wants me at this moment?  Will I follow Him through the valley?  When you put it like that, the answer is of course yes, and thus only by trusting in Him, my strength returns to do so.   I am in awe of God's great love for me that He would encourage me when my heart can be so very far from His.  He is so good.  He is worthy of trust in the waiting place.

Creek Kids Easter

This year was our second year in Creek Kids to do the Road to the Cross, where our volunteer leaders take a small group of kids through five different scenes that follow Jesus' path from Palm Sunday, to the last supper, to the garden, to the cross, to the grave, and beyond.  It is a lot of work to set up, but such a great experience.

Following Jesus' footsteps.

A leader with his group of 4th grade boys.

Celebrating one another at Jesus' triumphal entry to Jerusalem.

Washing one another's hands after learning how Jesus washed his disciples' feet at the Last Supper.

Adding their prayers to the Garden of Gethsemane.

 Putting their sins at the foot of the cross.

 Looking into the tomb and seeing Jesus' message of hope to us.

And the footsteps came out of the tomb to show that Jesus didn't stay dead, defeating death for all of us!

Christ's Mission

"This is My beloved Son, hear Him!"  That's what God says as Jesus is transfigured on the mountaintop in the presence of Peter, John, and James (9:35).  I'm reading Luke chapter nine and my eyes instantly glance down the text for the next set of red words.  I want to know, what does Jesus have to say that is so important that God would speak from Heaven to tell us silly people to listen?

In Luke, the next thing Jesus says is "O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you and bear with you? Bring your son here" (9:41)  I'm confused by two things: why is Jesus so frustrated here and why do these words not seem to be the message that God told the disciples to listen to?

Why is He so frustrated?
As Luke describes it, Jesus' next recorded words (recorded by Luke) occur the next day when he has come down from the mountain.  He is met by the usual crowd.  And a man yells out to him from the crowd for help in healing his son, who is convulsed by demons.  The man explains that the disciples weren't able to heal him.

And Jesus' response is an outburst of frustration.  I've been rolling this around in my little brain for the past two days.  I re-read it again this morning.  And two possibilities settle on me:

1. Jesus is frustrated at his disciples for not getting it yet.  They don't yet get fully who he is.  Nor do they understand his mission.  They are still learning to follow their leader and they are still functioning under misperceptions about him.  He has already tried to tell them several times that His kingdom, His mission, His family, is not of this world, but they are still not getting it (8:19-21, 9:22- 23).

2. Jesus is frustrated by the distractions from His mission.  The following twelve chapters of Luke show Jesus explaining His kingdom in teaching and parables.  The last three after that show Jesus following through in His mission to make this kingdom come.  This crowd, many of whom are only after Jesus for His healing, as this boy's father originally was, is a distraction from His mission.  He loves these people.  He is willing and able to heal them, but that is not His mission.

Why do His words of frustration not seem to be the message that God told the disciples to listen to? 
Again, I think to myself that these words of frustration are not the message that God told the disciples to listen to from the mountaintop.  I glance a few lines down in the text for the next red words, to see if they help answer the question, what is it God wants us to listen to?  The next thing Jesus says (as record by Luke) is, "Let these words sink down into your ears..."  Okay, this must be it!  Pretty clear there, I believe!  "Let these words sink down into your ears, for the Son of Man is about to be betrayed into the hands of men" (9:44).

I believe Jesus is saying, "Hear this! You are getting it wrong.  I am not here to build a tabernacle to myself on the mountaintop (9:33).  I am not here to build an earthly kingdom at all.  I am not here to be your earthy healer, your earthly brother, your earthly king.  I am here to be betrayed into the hands of men."  And the next line tells me that still His disciples did not understand His words.  They didn't understand, but we do, because we have read the end of the story already.  Jesus came here to die.  His healing ministry was compassion, but His mission was to die so that we can be brought into our true family, His true kingdom, our glorified bodies that never need healing again.  

This is a message I already know but, oh how I need to be reminded of it daily.  THIS LIFE IS HARD.  I had a very sheltered childhood and this reality has sunk into me slowly as an adult and fiercely this past year, but this life is hard.  I am daily tested by small trials and great losses, not to mention my own sin.  And I know now by experience that this will not stop until I meet Him in His kingdom come.

Many times during the day, I seek His help, His healing, His comfort.  And He often gives it to me.  But that is not His mission.  His mission is to bring me into His kingdom come, His mission is to grow me into the person He made me to be, and these trials, these losses are often a training ground for this growth (James 1).  I don't like it.  I, like the boy's father, cry for mercy.  Just fix it, God!

I don't want to sit in the hard places.  I want to sit on a white beach with a glass full of frozen anything topped with a tiny paper umbrella.  And this is why Jesus says what he does in 9:23: "If any one desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me."  I have heard this many times before, but it was the "daily" that struck me.  Following Christ is not a one-time deal.  When we make Him our Savior, we are forever saved (John 10:28-29), but to follow Him as Lord is a daily activity.

I do so want to follow Him, and daily I must die to my desire for this life to be perfect and painless.  Not that I have to be a glutton for punishment or resign myself to despair, but I do have to let go of my desires for perfection in this life and keep my focus on the life to come.  I have known this before, even written about it before (Jesus Sighs, A New Heart for God's Big Picture), but the reminder needs to be daily just as much as the dying to self needs to be daily (and why my time in His word needs to be daily too).

I am glad for the reminder of Christ's mission, that He came not to heal, but to save and perfect.  He did heal and He does still heal, but His mission was to bring His kingdom to us who could not get there on our own.  This is His mission still, until it is complete.  My response is to die daily to my own desires and follow Him.

The tricky part is that I still live in this world and I cannot forsake the gifts and the calling He has given me for this life.  My heart has to be daily reminded to hope in the kingdom come, yet the crumbs still have to be wiped from the counters.  I still have to care for this home, do my best at my job, in my ministry; I still have to lovingly kiss boo-boos and pray for the safety of my children, to cherish my husband and family, without forgetting that these things are not ultimate things.  I must hold them dearly and yet my grip must be open because keeping us healthy and happy is not God's mission.

To die to myself daily, my mission must be the same as my Savior's: His Kingdom come, within me, and throughout this world.

Focus on the Family

Yes, I totally ripped off that title.  But, after everything our family has been through in the past year, I have been feeling that God wants me to rest in Him and be His child, not just His hands and feet (which, if you know me, I am very eager to do most often!).  Beyond that, my greatest calling right now is that of wife and mom, as our family is slowly healing and adjusting to life now six months past losing my dad.  

Last week, He brought to mind Psalm 23, which of course is so familiar that I often overlook its beauty (the underlined verses are particularly ones that spoke to me this time around) - 

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2     He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.3     He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

I feel like right now, God wants me to let Him be this to me.  Also this:

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and uphold me with a willing spirit

(Psalm 51:12)

So, I am taking time to enjoy the many blessings I have right now, especially my family.

Just a beautiful girl with a pretty rose.

Family time strawberry picking.

And, yummy.

 Cousins and swimming.

Isaac's school project

This timeline has him entering college in 2023, graduating in 2027 and becoming a geologist in 2033.  

Abby's field trip to the Rainforest Pyramid at Moody Gardens.

Isaac's field trip to the Museum of Natural History.

Snuggle time with a sick girl.

Found an old note from Kindergarten Abby.

Some beautification projects.

Snuggle kids.

Abby with a chickie at school.

Fun with neighbors.

First time in the neighborhood pool this year.

Perfect weather!

It's hard sometimes to sit and rest, but I feel like God is knitting my heart back together, something which seemed impossible a few months ago.  In and out of the valley of the shadow of death, He has been faithful and good. And I'm looking forward to the next few months of focusing on that, and on my family.