This Thursday is a big day in court for us. It is the status hearing before the final court date which is set for April. On one hand things are going really well for us. The stepdad is in jail and the biological mom is awaiting her trial for criminal child abuse. No one is very worried that they will regain custody of the kids.
The biological dad had not been a threat because he didn't have a home for CPS to investigate. But in late November, he secured government housing. That's when things started changing. Family therapy was added to his 4-hour visit per month with the kids. And an additional over-the-phone family therapy was added between his monthly visits. Then, at the court hearing in January, he was granted 2 phone calls with the kids per week. Last Friday, the CPS worker told us there was a very real chance the kids would be sent to live with him.
When we first said yes to fostering children, I told God that I trusted Him with my broken heart. And I still do. Knowing how He has helped me through heartbreak before makes me know I will be okay even if the worst case scenario happens, and The Littles leave our home forever. I will grieve. Absolutely I will grieve, but it will not be despair. I will not be lost. This is why I knew I could say yes to this in the first place.
Right now, I keep getting up in the morning and being the MOST AMAZING MOM (it's a choice) to these precious little ones because right now, we are family. When the waves of anxiety over their future (or mine without them) hit me, I choose to let them wash over me instead of letting them sink in. And that's how we keep going and will continue to do until the day we get to adopt them or the day they are removed from our home.
And until that day, we pray. We pray because it is our best weapon and shield. My prayer is pretty much on repeat:
God, I know You love them and I know You love me. I know you are in control. I will follow You wherever You lead me; I trust You with my broken heart. But I still can't see how it could be best for them or for us if they were to be pulled away from the family they love and the place they call home to a place of instability and disfunction. Not after what they've already been through! Not after how far they've come! Please intervene and let them stay here! And repeat. I know God, as our good good Father, wants to hear the desires of our hearts. Many times a day I tell him the desire of my heart for these little ones and then I wrap his peace around me because I know that He will see me through whatever comes.
Recently in small group, we read and discussed Christ's death on the cross, how his seeming weakness at allowing himself to be abused and killed was actually his strength. He is the God of the universe, after all, and could easily have destroyed his enemies. Instead, through strength of will, he submitted to them so that by his strength, we could be saved. There have been so many times in the last couple of months that I have felt so weak or abused. (How can CPS treat me this way after all that I have done for these little ones?). When I am feeling abused, used, mistreated, and weak, I remember his strength on the cross. I remember his seeming weakness that was truly strength to save, that endured abuse, injustice, and spite - or worse, indifference - for who he was or what he had done for his abusers. And every time, I say to myself:
my weakness is His strength.
This doesn't mean I am strong. This doesn't mean I can fix the situation. But it does mean that His strength can shine through me as I set aside my schedule to make a phone call to a dad that sometimes doesn't bother to answer.
My weakness is His strength. His strength can shine through me as I listen to CPS tell me there is a very good chance my precious little ones will be sent to live with a man they didn't even know before they came to live with me.
My weakness is His strength. His strength can shine through as I snuggle JJ into bed every night, loving every precious moment with him and the joy I get from how he has learned to love and be loved, and the sadness of knowing that would all be lost for him as well as me if he were to leave.
My weakness is His strength. His strength can shine through as I engage Briana in a power struggle that we both know is not really about us, but about her fear over what is going to happen to her if she leaves and her grief at the thought of missing me so much.
My weakness is His strength. His strength can shine through as I help Isaac and Abby through their own anxiety and grief by pointing them to him because that's the only thing we can do.
My weakness is His strength. I have to say it to myself in every hard situation because remembering his strength is the only way to walk into my own weakness.
Friends, it is not easy! He never promised it would be! He only promised never to leave me or forsake me. And because of that, I have the strength to wake up and do it again tomorrow. In weakness, I am asking our friends and family to join us in our prayer that God would intervene on behalf of our little ones, that He would make a way for us to be their forever family, to get the joy of seeing their lives completely redeemed from what they have suffered. For nothing is impossible with Him and oh how He loves us! Amen, Amen, Amen!
